Ask Dr. Forgiveness

Think about the recent tragedy of mass shooting that happened in California. The mass shooter felt inferior and disrespected by others due to his short stature. It seems that he did have real experiences of being bullied in the past, but what if there were someone who could not really recall being bullied by others but still had serious anger toward a specific group of people because of their potential mistreatment (or historical mistreatment)? Another similar example is this: Think about a racial minority who does not think that he has ever been mistreated due to his racial background (or cannot recall such an incident), but he knows that those with the same racial background as his are often mistreated by others. He now has serious anger toward a certain group of people; his anger is real and is directed toward certain people. Is forgiveness still relevant in this case without a specific incident of injustice? Is it possible for someone to forgive unknown others? If yes, how would that process of forgiving unknown others look different? Thank you very much for your time.

Philosophers talk about secondary forgiveness in which Person B forgives someone who hurt his family member, Person A.  Person B is legitimately hurt, although not directly, by the injustice perpetrated on Person A.  Thus, he has a right to forgive if he chooses because he has been indirectly hurt by the injustice.

In the other example, of an ethnic or racial minority who has not been directly hurt, the norms of a given society still can be hurtful to his group.  Thus, this person can forgive the abstract entity of society.  The process can be more difficult because it is so abstract.  One cannot see the norms themselves, only the outcome of those norms (such as behavioral or verbal disrespect).  The forgiver may not even have specific people in mind and thus the process begins and ends with this abstract entity of “society.”  Other than the one or ones singled out for forgiving, the process would proceed similarly to that in which Person B is hurt by Person C and then forgives Person C.

Sometimes I just want to give up because forgiveness is so hard to accomplish. What do you suggest when forgiveness is really hard like this?

Forgiveness is never easy when the injustice is strong and the hurt deep. So, please know that you are not alone. There are several approaches you can take.  First, you might want to start by forgiving someone else who is easier to forgive as a way to build your confidence.  Also, are you expecting to be done with the forgiveness process in a short amount of time?  If the hurt is deep it can take months of steady effort to forgive. Finally, I urge you to look toward the fruit of your forgiveness: lower anger, more hope.  As you see these as endpoints to your forgiveness it might strengthen your will to persevere.

I just do not have the confidence to forgive one of my parents from issues of long ago. I keep telling myself that I will not be able to get it done. What can you suggest to me that might boost my confidence?

First, I suggest that you look back on your life to concrete examples of your forgiving others.  Have you had at least one successful attempt in your past?  If so, you have shown yourself that you can forgive.

Even if you have never forgiven someone, you can start now with someone who is easier to forgive than your father. Try to recall someone who has hurt you in the past, but who has not hurt you severely.  Start the forgiveness process with him or her and keep at it until you have forgiven.  Once you succeed with this person, then try another, again who has not hurt you gravely.

Once you have successfully practiced forgiveness on these two people, keep in mind the path that you walked and now apply it to your father. The practice may give you the confidence you need.

I understand that forgiving is not pardoning, but is there an aspect of pardoning in forgiveness? When the language of forgiveness is used, it’s often taken by many that the forgiver no longer seeks restitution or recompense. In this case, it’s not an inner release but a decision not to seek revenge or recompense of the damage done. Then, although it’s not a matter of legal pardoning, can it be a matter of canceling the offender’s responsibility to repay? Is there any way to distinguish forgiveness as a moral virtue practiced toward persons versus forgiveness as a cancellation of the offender’s responsibilities to repay (e.g. physical materials or physical harms)? Is there a difference between when you say you forgive the offender or his/her offenses? Thank you.

These are very interesting distinctions worthy of further thought and discussion.  For now, let me say this: When a person forgives another he or she does not necessarily cancel the need for recompense.  Recompense is an issue of justice and so it seems to me to be perfectly reasonable to forgive and then ask for recompense.  For example, suppose someone drove your car without permission and dented the fender.  Your forgiving the person would not cancel the recompense of his/her now paying the body shop bill.  Yes, there can be an aspect of pardoning if the forgiver chooses not to seek the recompense (such as not asking the person to pay the bill), but this is not part of the essence of what forgiveness is.

With regard to the final issue of forgiving offenders or offenses, forgiveness is always person-centered.  Thus, we forgive persons and not offenses.  We forgive persons because of offenses, but we do not forgive the offenses themselves.

With a climate of forgiveness, is it going to be easier for some people to continue to cause offences when they know other people may simply forgive again?

Forgiveness should take place alongside the quest for justice.  Therefore, upon forgiving it is important for the one offended, now with anger reduced because of the forgiveness, to ask for fairness from the other. This should prevent the offender from incorrectly assuming that he or she can take advantage of the one originally offended.