Ask Dr. Forgiveness
So, when I forgive, do I let the boundaries go? If not, might the other person interpret my forgiving that way anyway?
Justice as a moral virtue is about setting boundaries. Forgiveness is about having mercy on another person despite the injustice. As you forgive, also exercise justice and talk about boundaries if these are violated by the other person. If you forgive first and rid yourself of a burning resentment, then the way you ask for boundaries from the other person may be more respectful and then possibly more fruitful, leading to a resolution of the unfairness.
If I say in my heart, “I forgive you,” is that sufficient or is there more to it?
Forgiving someone who has hurt you is more than a proclamation, whether done verbally or in your own thought process. Forgiveness involves a transformation of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward those who were unfair to you. The proclamation, “I forgive you,” needs to be accompanied by kinder thoughts and feelings toward the person for a more complete version of what forgiveness is as a moral virtue.
I was hurt by a family member yesterday. It was so unfair. I value forgiveness, but I am not at all ready to forgive. Should I start on the forgiveness path today, even through I am quite angry right now? Maybe my anger is a problem.
It is legitimate to feel angry soon after a serious injustice has occurred. The anger shows you that you know right from wrong and that you should not be treated unfairly. A key here is to not let the anger linger because it could last a very long time, which may end up hurting you. So, take some time to be angry, but also have the idea of forgiveness in mind so that, after a period of legitimate anger, you can then, through your own free will, forgive the family member.
My boyfriend cheated on me. Do you think it is possible for me to forgive him and, if so, what would the look like? This seems so hard.
Yes, you can forgive your boyfriend who was unfaithful to you. You can read about this issue in one of my essays at the Psychology Today website here:
Can I forgive someone who hurt my child at school, but did not directly hurt me? Is forgiveness appropriate only if I was directly hurt?
The philosopher, Trudy Govier, makes a distinction between primary forgiveness (in which you were directly hurt) and secondary forgiveness (in which a loved one was hurt and this has made you angry). Secondary forgiveness is a legitimate form of forgiving because you truly were negatively affected by what happened to your child. So, when you are ready, go ahead and forgive the one who was unfair to your child.
