Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I am in a close relationship with someone I hurt. I have asked for forgiveness but I keep getting ignored. Does it ever get to a point that I can demand forgiveness when I know that the other person is just being stubborn?

I sympathize with your frustration.  You are ready to be forgiven and the other is not ready to give it to you.  You should realize that forgiveness is not something that you can demand from someone.  That person is not obligated in an ethical sense to give forgiveness until he or she is ready.  Some religions ask a person to forgive under certain circumstances (such as happens in some of the rituals at Yom Kippur in the Jewish faith, for example).  If the one from whom you are seeking forgiveness is under no religious obligation to forgive, I suggest three things: patience, patience, and patience.  A little encouragement from you for him or her to forgive probably would be a good idea, but done sparingly and gently.

My boyfriend and I have had a rocky time of it lately. I asked his forgiveness and all I got back was a lot of anger. How do I handle his anger and how can I get him to understand that I want his forgiveness?

My father is always working. He sees nothing wrong with this, but I am resentful because he is putting all of his energy into work and little into our family. When I told him that I forgive him for his absence, he said that I am wrong, that there is nothing he has to apologize for. Is there anything you would suggest I do to move him toward seeking forgiveness and changing his behavior?

You might want to first ask him how his own father behaved in this regard—the balance of family and work.  If his own father overworked, which I suspect was the case because your own father sees it as normal, then please ask your father how he felt as a child when this happened. The similarities between his own feelings as the child and your feelings as your father’s child might become apparent to him.  He then might be ready to seek forgiveness.  Even if his own father balanced well family and work, first forgive your father and then have a heart-to-heart talk with him (after you forgive him) about what you see as unfairness here. I would use the word “unfair,” not in an accusatory sense, but in a sense that this is the truth and you would like him to see this truth.

Why do you think so many people get mad at the idea of forgiveness? When I mention forgiveness to some people they seem to tighten up and want nothing to do with it.

In my experience, there are two basic reasons why people bristle at the word “forgiveness.”  First, some are actually confusing the term forgiveness with other terms such as excusing, caving in, being a wimp, and automatic reconciliation without protecting oneself.  In other words, they actually are not upset with forgiveness but with a misunderstanding of it.  Second, some people are so resentful of others that they want to push forgiveness under the rug and not discuss it.  As long as they do not try to prevent others from forgiving, then this is their choice, which may not be their final word on the matter.  In other words, some day they may change and want to try forgiving.

I am a very reserved person, kind of shy actually. I need to ask someone to forgive me, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Do you have any suggestions for me so that I can get this done?

You already are showing courage in wanting to ask for forgiveness.  So, please be aware of that.  You do not have to ask face-to-face.  Have you thought about starting with a mailed letter or email?  In this way, you have the opportunity to write out what you did, why you think it was unfair, and your awareness of its effects on the person.  You can then write out the apology and ask for forgiveness.