Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I have forgiven a friend for rude, inappropriate behavior a couple of times and he keeps at the rudeness. I am beginning to wonder if he sees my forgiveness as weakness. Should I hold back on forgiving the next time so that he gets a different message—that I really mean it when I want him to stop the rude, mean ways?
I think the issue here is reconciliation rather than forgiveness. You can forgive from the heart and then, with your anger diminished, ask for fairness from the other person. As you stand firm in the request for justice, you are giving the kind of message that I think is your intention, that the behavior is inappropriate. So, consider forgiving as soon as you sense anger arising in you from the injustice. Then have reconciliation in mind by pointing out the behavior that you would like to see him change so that you can again come together in mutual trust.
There are a lot of shows on television that use the expression of anger as entertainment (Jerry Springer, as one example). Do you think the demonstrations of anger on such shows has an effect on the rest of us, on how we think about and deal with our anger?
For those who watch these shows, yes, I do think that anger expression can become more frequent and more intense. Research on the effects of modeling (observing and then imitating others) shows that people tend to imitate that which they see in others, particularly those whom they admire. So, please guard what you watch.
I noticed that your most recent blog (Christmas Day, 2013) talks about forgiveness education in Belfast. If others such as myself were interested in starting forgiveness education in our little area of the world, what would be some of your key suggestions?
Anyone can help to start forgiveness education in their own community. If you visit our Store section of this website, you will see that we have professionally-produced curriculum guides for teachers from pre-kindergarten (age 4) through grade 11 (using United States language here) (grade 11 includes students at age 16-17). These guides can be used effectively by teachers who are motivated to spend up to one hour a week for about 12-15 weeks instructing students. Each teacher guide uses stories that are appropriate for the grade level. If the books that are recommended in each guide are too expensive, we have professionally-produced book summaries of each one. The summaries are about 2-3 pages long and get at the gist of the stories (as far as forgiveness is concerned).
In impoverished and conflict-zones of the world, we give all of the above materials away for free—no charge and no hidden costs. For others, we ask for purchase so we can continue serving contentious regions of the world.
You also can access teacher evaluations of these programs in the Education section of the website and you will see that teachers are very favorable to these programs.
Consider taking courage in hand and bringing a sample of the teacher guides to a local school (along with the teacher-evaluation information). Tell the principal or teacher about the objective of forgiveness education: to help children grown in the virtues of love, mercy, and forgiveness, which can reduce student anger and increase academic achievement. Tell the principal or teacher that we provide free materials (if they are in an impoverished or contentious region). Further, we at the International Forgiveness Institute are willing to provide Skype training sessions to groups of teachers who are interested.
Is there a difference between forgiving and wishing someone well? I wish my ex-husband well, but I am still very angry with him because he broke the marriage covenant.
The late Lewis Smedes in his book, Forgive and Forget, made the point that people are starting to forgive when they wish the other person well. Thus, you likely are at the beginning of forgiveness and this is a positive step. Now you need to press onward toward deeper forgiveness. Try to see your ex-husband’s worth; try to see his emotional wounds which might have contributed to the break-up; try to be aware of any compassion that may be growing in you as you do this work. The result, based on our research, likely will be reduced anger.
My husband is really “into” forgiveness, reading lots of books and viewing documentaries. He has had a big problem with his mother since he was young. He now says that he forgives her completely but I can sense the anger deep in him. His pride, I think, is keeping him from the truth that he still needs work on forgiving. What do you suggest?
Denial of anger, especially toward a parent, is not uncommon. There is a little test of forgiveness, the Personal Forgiveness Scale, in Appendix C of the book, The Forgiving Life. You might want to ask your husband to fill this out first on his employer (as a warm-up to familiarize himself with the scale). Then ask him to fill it out toward his mother as he thinks of one incident that he deems as unfair from the past. The explanation of the scores is in Chapter 9, starting on page 156. If he scores between 18 and 63, he likely has some forgiveness work to do. He should then consider doing some of the work in Chapter 10 of that book.
