Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I have been going through your 20-step procedure to forgive someone. All of a sudden I hit a bump in the road and I am unsure what to do. How do I get over this bump and move forward? It concerns seeing the person as someone who has inherent worth.

It is insightful of you to realize that you have hit that bump in the road. I suggest that you revisit the units in the Uncovering Phase of the forgiveness process. Perhaps you have more anger than you at first realized. If so, this could get in your way of seeing the person as possessing inherent worth. Also, you might want to carefully examine that person’s own fears and failures as a way to see the humanity in him or her. This could help you to see the one who hurt you as human, as a person. From there you then may be able to take the next step of seeing that he or she possesses built-in worth as a person.

One of my professors stated that forgiveness is a passive activity. In other words, one does not solve problems by forgiving. Instead, one reacts to problems through forgiving. So, as we wait and react, we are passive and active in actually doing anything at all about our life’s problems. I wonder what you think about this.

You are wondering what I think about your professor’s thoughts on forgiveness. I think they are wrong. Just because forgiveness does not directly solve the problem of injustice does not make it passive. Yes, forgiveness comes after an injustice, but it is hardly passive. A forgiver struggles with anger, struggles to understand the one who was hurtful, and struggles to find compassion for the other. These are quite active responses. We should remember, further, that as a person forgives, the one forgiven sometimes sees the errors of his/her ways. Therefore, forgiveness actually can be one way of correcting an injustice.

I am curious. Suppose you could give just one piece of advice about forgiveness to the world. What would that one particular gem be?

Wow…..This is a tough question…..OK…..Let me think……Here is the advice: As you forgive, please learn to love more deeply because forgiveness is about loving those who have not been showing love to you. As you love, let it grow in you and give that love to others. I think this will lead to a better world.

My partner has a tendency to scream and then defend the behavior as if it is ok as long as he is frustrated. When i explain to him that his reactions are inappropriate, he gets even madder. He thinks he has a right to this kind of stuff. Because he is not open to change I am getting worried. If I forgive how is that helping him to change?

You are aware that your partner has an anger problem needing work. Forgiveness does not directly address that issue. Forgiveness will help you to reduce your own anger at his anger. Your forgiving him may help him to quiet inside at least temporarily. Yet, he needs work on his anger in addition to your forgiving him. I suggest that you practice forgiveness and then when your feelings are calm, approach him when all is going well. Explain as calmly and as directly as you can that he has a problem in need of being addressed. Please point out that this does not mean you are condemning him or that he is a bad person. We all have our weaknesses and anger outbursts are one of his. Support him as he adjusts to this truth. He and you together should examine what in the past has led to such anger within him. He, too, needs to forgive someone (or perhaps more than one person). Your examining that and his forgiveness may work wonders for the control of his anger now.

I am stuck. I just can’t seem to progress in forgiving my father from years ago. I have examined my anger and it is considerable. When I feel this anger it is hard to go forward because of it. What do you suggest?

First, you should realize that your acknowledging the anger is a big step. Sometimes people have difficulty seeing this because they are afraid of the anger. We are not supposed to be angry or we are not supposed to be angry with certain people. Be encouraged that you have broken through the psychological defense of denial.

Many people say that the next step after acknowledging the anger is the hardest. That step is the decision to forgive. It is like starting a new exercise program, for example. The thought of going to the gym, taking out the membership, and getting started can be confusing and challenging. You are not alone in feeling some apprehension with this new step of deciding to forgive. Exercise the virtue of courage as you move forward and you will no longer be stuck as you decide to engage in the process of forgiving your father.