Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I have given up on therapy because my therapist suggested forgiveness. I do not want to just give in and say, “Okay, I forgive you. What you did was not so bad.” Can you offer me some advice on this?
I think you are misunderstanding what forgiveness actually is. When we forgive a person who acted unjustly, we do not make excuses for the behavior. That behavior was, is, and always will be seen as unjust. You are not letting the unjust behavior go, and you are not saying that it “was not so bad.” You are offering mercy to the person without condoning the behavior when you forgive.
I just wanted you to know that I have visited three different therapists, and all three encouraged me to forgive a parent who was cruel to me when I was a child. At first, this idea of forgiving offended me, but having heard it so often, I have come around to trying it and liking it. I just wanted to give you this feedback.
Thank you for letting me know that you tried forgiveness after three therapists recommended it. We have to be careful that the therapists do not pressure us into forgiving. Forgiveness is your choice, not the choice of the therapists.
You distinguish forgiveness and reconciliation, but I am wondering if linking the two is actually good for the one who keeps on offending. In other words, maybe you should emphasize that an offended person is doing something altruistic by withholding forgiveness until the other person changes. This gives the offender a chance to alter bad behavior. What do you think?
An offended person can ask the offending person to change whether or not that offended person first withholds forgiveness or not. In other words, I see no reason to make forgiving conditional on the offending person’s behavior if there are other avenues for assisting that person in changing unjust behavior. The offended person can be gentle and persistent in asking for change, even with forgiveness having been offered beforehand. Forgiving is not an open door for the offending person to keep on being unjust.
I am trying to find a quotation that I read in the past from Dr. Viktor Frankl, who was imprisoned in a concentration camp during World War II. Do you know of a quotation by him that focuses on suffering and hope in the future?
Yes, here is a quotation from Dr. Frankl that I have used in the book Forgiveness Is a Choice: “People can’t change the past, but they can change their attitudes toward injustice and suffering.” For Dr. Frankl, finding new meaning when one suffers is important. This can include becoming more sensitive to other people who are suffering. This finding meaning was important to him as a path toward emotional healing.
How do I convey to my partner that forgiveness takes time? When he reads advice on the Internet, he is often faced with advice suggesting that forgiveness can be accomplished quickly, in four or five sessions. From my own experience, this is not true when there is deep hurt. How can I get this through to my partner?
I definitely understand your frustration with the advice that is all over the Internet. As you say, forgiveness takes time. I use the analogy of physical fitness. One does not become physically fit overnight. It takes time and practice. It is the same with forgiveness when a person has not practiced it much and there is deep hurt. I suggest using the analogy of physical fitness with your partner. I also suggest passing the following essay on “quick fix” forgiveness from my Psychology Today blog site to your partner: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-forgiving-life/202302/be-wary-of-quick-fix-forgiveness
