Our Forgiveness Blog

Perseverance and Forgiveness

2002…. That is the year the International Forgiveness Institute began writing forgiveness education curriculum guides for teachers. We started with first grade classrooms in Belfast, Northern Ireland. When we started knocking on principals’ doors to discuss this life-giving project, we were met with skepticism.

“You will not last more than three years,” was what we heard consistently. Three years? Why three in particular?

“Because when people come from foreign lands to help Belfast, those well-meaning people never stay more than three years,” was the retort.

It became apparent that people go to Belfast with high expectations, great enthusiasm, and lots of adrenaline as they embark on their new adventure. Then the reality strikes. By year three the fatigue sets in, the streets of Belfast are all too familiar. It is now work and not adventure. Goodbye, Belfast!

The IFI has had a presence in Belfast for over 10 years now. So far, we have beaten the odds by staying three times longer than expected.

This issue of perseverance and endurance has me thinking. How can one preserve the idea of forgiveness in families, schools, places of worship, and places of employment? That seems easy……for about three years, but what about the next 10 or 20 or even 40 years?

How can forgiveness endure when there are so many diversions in life, so many new and good and novel ways to introduce new curricula to schools or new programs to businesses?

It takes a team and at least one person with an iron-clad will in the short-run. Forgiveness can too easily fade from the scene without this.

How will you preserve forgiveness in your own heart and in your most important relationships? How will you keep it from drifting out to sea, almost unnoticed as it fades? The first step is to realize that this can happen….and then not let it happen.

R.E.

Forgiveness Without Humility

What Does Forgiveness Look Like Without Humility?

The philosopher and theologian, Augustine of Hippo, once said that humility is so important that it shapes all other virtues. Without humility, he reasoned, all other virtues only look like virtues, but are not.

If this is correct, then what might forgiveness look like without humility?

Four answers come to mind:

1) Without humility one could become afraid, fearing rejection from the other as one tries to offer the olive branch of forgiveness. Forgiveness then is silent.

2) Without humility one could become arrogant, thinking of oneself as better than others because, “Oh, what a good and virtuous person am I.” Forgiveness then is loud.

3) Without humility one could become condemning of the other. After all, he or she hurt you and you will not stand for that. Forgiveness then is dismissing.

4) Without humility one could become entitled. If I go to the trouble of forgiving, then the other had better pay me back in some way, with remorse, an apology, and affection. Forgiveness then is demanding.

Forgiveness with humility levels the moral playing field and so we can move ahead despite possible rejection, in a quiet way to honor the other, in a loving way as we see the other as possessing inherent worth, and with gratitude knowing that it is a privilege to offer such a gift to another.

R.E.

What if…..

…..many children in oppressive environments were able to learn about forgiveness, starting at age 4 and continuing to age 18;

…..prior to marriage, each one did the work of forgiving people from the family-of-origin, thus reducing or even eliminating significant sources of anger and angry interaction patterns;

…..schools could be places not only of learning obedience, cooperation, and fidelity to assignments (and other expressions of justice) but also were places infused with mercy;

…..justice systems imbedded restorative justice and themes of mercy into that system;

…..each person who chose to do so cultivated the “softer” virtues of forgiveness and love each day;

…..each person who chose to do so asked, “What will be my legacy? What will I leave behind when I die?” and the answer was, “Goodness”?

What if I told you that all of this is possible?

R.E.

Forgiveness Is Not a Gift We Give to Ourselves

In doing some blog searching today, I came across this quotation: “Forgiveness is not something good we give to the other person, but a gift we give to ourselves.” I have seen this numerous times in different places and it is not correct. Forgiveness has been seen as a moral virtue for thousands of years. Every moral virtue, without exception, is focused on giving goodness to others. Think about justice and kindness and generosity and love as just a handful of examples of moral virtues. When you are being fair, are you primarily being fair to yourself? Stopping at a stop light while you are driving a car is an example of being just or fair. Are you stopping your car for fairness to you or to the driver who is driving through the green light and could be injured by your lack of justice? When you are being kind, doesn’t there have to be another person to receive the kindness? That virtue is not exercised for the self. What about generosity? Don’t you have to reach out to another person to be generous? And love requires another to love. Yes, we should love ourselves, but in the context of extending love to others. We do not hold love tightly for the self.

The quotation above does not imply that one forgives for the self and for others, but exclusively for the self. The author of the quote unambiguously states that forgiveness “is not something good we give to the other person.” We supposedly hold it tightly for ourselves. How can this be a moral virtue if no other virtue you can name does likewise, save the goodness for self alone?

Either forgiveness is a moral virtue or it is not. If it is, then it’s goodness has to flow out from self to others for their good. A consequence of forgiving is stronger emotional health for the self, but this is a consequence and not an essence of what forgiveness is at its core.

The author of the quotation has confused the essence of what forgiveness is with one (and only one) consequence that happens (at least some of the time) when we forgive. Sometimes we feel better when we forgive. Scientific studies support this statement. We must be careful not to say then that forgiveness is—in its essence—a gift we give to ourselves.

R.E.

Forgiveness Is Good Business

I just came back from giving a three hour workshop for people who run family-owned businesses. The purpose of the workshop was to show:

1) that anger in the workplace is pervasive and can affect morale and productivity, which research shows;

2) that forgiveness is one solution to this problem because forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger which can directly affect morale and productivity;

3) that as people learn to forgive, then they may become better workers as well as better people;

4) that once people forgive the individual hurts that each encounters, then they might consider creating a forgiving community in the workplace.

The Forgiving Community in the workplace could be developed by putting ideas about forgiveness in any printed matter that describes fairness and honesty in the workplace, by leadership talking positively about forgiveness, and by supervisors mediating conflicts between employees with forgiveness themes as well as with the usual conflict resolution themes. Brining experts into the company from the outside by offering workshops on forgiveness could be considered as a way to give this message to all in the company: We care about the work climate and we care about your emotional health.

The feedback that I received from some of the 100 people in attendance was this: The discussion of forgiveness in the workplace is unique. Most had never heard a talk on it before and they thought it was relevant and important for their businesses. This seems like a new frontier worth pursuing in an organized, scholarly, and careful way.

R.E.