Our Forgiveness Blog

But, the Dictionary Says….

So often I have heard people fall back to a definition of something with deep philosophical import by saying, “But, the dictionary says….”

Let us examine the definition of “forgive” from the Merriam-Webster on-line dictionary. The first entry tells us that “forgive” means “to give up resentment…” As we saw in our blog post of December 19, 2012, this cannot possibly be the definition because it also could define the term indifference. If I give up resentment yet retain some mild annoyance toward those who have offended me, then I still actually may not be forgiving.

A synonym allegedly is pardon. Yet, pardon, as a legal term, involves a third party, uninvolved in the original offense, making a determination. In forgiveness the one offended is making that determination.

Bottom line: When it comes to philosophically subtle and important terms such as forgiveness, it is best not to rely on the dictionary.

And as a final thought, the writers at Merriam-Webster would do well to revise their dictionary.

Dr. Bob

Seeing with New Eyes

The late Lewis Smedes used this expression: to see with new eyes. He meant this: When we forgive we no longer see in the same way those who have hurt us. We see them from a wider perspective than just their offenses against us. We see them as worthwhile people, not because of what they did, but in spite of this.

So, in this tradition of Dr. Smedes, let us do a little homework today. As you interact with or even pass by five different people, please think these thoughts about him or her:

1. This person has inherent, or built-in, worth that cannot be taken away from him/her.

2. This person is special, unique, and irreplaceable. When this person is no longer living, there will not be another person exactly like him/her.

3. In all likelihood, this person is carrying around emotional wounds received because of other’s mistreatment of him/her.

Then, once this thinking exercise is complete, try to apply the statements to one person who has been unfair to you, who has hurt you. Try to “see with new eyes” as you reflect on this person.

Dr. Bob

Your Unfolding Love Story Continued

On January 19, 2012 we posted a reflection on our blog site in which we encouraged readers to grow in love as their legacy of 2012. We said this:

“Give love away as your legacy of 2012.

How can you start? I recommend starting by looking backward at one incident of 2011. Please think of one incident with one person in which you were loved unconditionally, perhaps even surprised by a partner or a parent or a caring colleague. Think of your reaction when you felt love coming from the other and you felt love in your heart and the other saw it in your eyes. What was said? How were you affirmed for whom you are, not necessarily for something you did? What was the other’s heart like, and yours?”

Our current year, 2012, is about to end. Can you list some specific, concrete ways in which you have chosen love over indifference? Love over annoyance? If so, what are those specifics and how are they loving? We ask because we have only about a week-and-a-half left in the year.

If you have not yet deliberately left love (or enough love) in the world this year, there still is time.

Dr. Bob

What Is Forgiveness?: When Psychologists Disagree

Last week in my doctoral seminar at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, one of the students was making a presentation to the class. As part of that presentation he discussed a published work by a neuroscientist-psychologist who made the following claim: Forgiveness is not about getting rid of resentment and offering goodness to another person (or other persons). Instead, it is only about getting rid of resentment. The author of the article referenced one of our works, in which we unequivocally state that the essence of forgiveness also includes the offering of goodness. The journal article’s author asserted, without defending the point, that we are incorrect.

So, we have a contradiction. Either “to forgive” as a term includes the offering of goodness toward others or it does not. Who is correct? How do we determine who is correct here?

I would like to suggest the following as a way to resolve the contradiction. If we can show that either of our definitions could also be the definition of another term (unrelated to or at least substantially different from the term “to forgive”), then that definer needs to refine the definition to a greater extent than currently is the case.

So, with that ground-rule in place, let the games begin, as they say in the Olympics. First, let us turn to our neuroscientist colleague’s definition of “to forgive.” which is the reduction in or elimination of negative emotions (resentment) following a transgression from another (or others). Can we think of other terms that would fit this definition? Yes: indifference. I can be indifferent toward another to such an extent that I become emotionally neutral toward him or her. Indifference is not an act of goodness. It cannot possibly be equated with forgiveness, but by the neuroscientist’s definition, forgiveness and indifference share the same definition. Therefore, the neuroscientist must change his definition of the term “to forgive” or be faced with an ambiguous term.

Now, to our definition. “To forgive” is in the context of another’s transgression (the neuroscientist and I agree). “To forgive” includes the cessation of resentment toward the offending person (the neuroscientist and I agree). “To forgive” must–must–include in its essence the offer of goodness toward the offender for two important reasons:

1) If forgiveness is a moral virtue (as are justice, patience, kindness, and love), then it has to include an element of goodness, as all moral virtues do.

2) Without adding this element of goodness to the definition of “to forgive,” we are left with a host of undifferentiated terms (indifference, mild annoyance, moving on, “writing someone off”, forgiveness).

As a final point, just because, in its essence, the term “to forgive” includes elements of offered goodness toward an offender, this does not imply that all who forgive show this or even understand it. There is a difference between how one both understands and expresses forgiveness and what it is in its essence.

Dr. Bob

The Family Forgiveness Gathering

In our most recent blog post, we began to discuss “the family as forgiving community.” We suggested then, and will now address, a theme we call the family forgiveness gathering as one way to achieve the goals of the family as forgiving community.

In the family forgiveness gathering, the parents are encouraged to create a time and place for family discussions. We recommend that the parents gather the family together at least once a week to have a quiet discussion about forgiveness. They should keep in mind that to forgive is not the same as excusing or forgetting or even reconciling and that forgiveness works hand-in-hand with justice.

Examples of questions for the family forgiveness meeting might include:

What does it mean to forgive someone?

Who was particularly kind and loving to you this week?

What did that feel like?

When the person was really loving toward you, what were your thoughts about the person?

When the person was really loving, how did you behave toward that person?

Was anyone particularly unfair or mean to you this week?

What did it feel like when you were treated in a mean way?

What were your thoughts?

How did you behave at first?

Did you try to forgive the person for being unfair to you?

What does forgiveness feel like?

What are your thoughts when you forgive?

What are your thoughts specifically toward the one who acted unfairly to you when you forgive him or her?

How did you behave toward the person once you forgave?

If you have not yet forgiven, what is a first step in forgiving him or her? (Make a decision to be kind, commit to forgiving, begin in a small way to see that the person is in fact a person of worth.)

What struggles do you have with forgiving someone who behaved in an unkind way to you?

In other words, what is difficult about forgiving?

What is easy about forgiving for you?

The parents are reminded that they do not have to know all the answers. What do you think? Is 15 minutes once a week worth the effort to strengthen your children for the hurts to come, including those which might come many years from now?

Dr. Bob