Our Forgiveness Blog
Helpful Forgiveness Hint
One powerful motivator to forgive is this: Try to assess the amount of pain that your own resentment is causing you. Are you more tired than you need to be? Clinging to resentment might be playing a part here in your fatigue level. Have you been distracted lately? Preoccupation with another’s injustice may be playing a part here. Have you become a more cynical person? Is the glass half-empty for you rather than half-full? Your resentments may be playing a part in your seeing the glass as continually half-empty. Forgiveness can reverse the fatigue, the preoccupations, and the cynicism. Let your awareness of your inner unrest motivate you to begin the forgiveness process.
Dr. Bob
Unwanted Forgiveness
Have you ever forgiven someone who punctuated your gift with, “OK…..What for?”
It can be unsettling and more than a little annoying. So, if the other person does not want your forgiveness, for whatever reason, is it better to withhold it rather than give it?
Perhaps the answer lies in how one gives forgiveness rather than in the questioning of whether or not to offer it. After all, forgiveness is a virtue, a gift of goodness to another who has been unfair. Even if he perceives that the actions were justified, and therefore forgiveness is unnecessary, your forgiving is a gift.
You can offer forgiveness without telling the other, but instead by showing it. The other is not likely to reject kindness, but even if she did, kindness is always good.
Unwanted forgiveness? Sometimes people do not know what is good for them, so we give it in ways that are more acceptable to them. Forgiveness as an act of virtue is always good.
Dr. Bob
Future-Forgiveness
I just came up with this idea of “future-forgiveness” this week, after almost three decades of thinking daily about forgiveness. I think it is an important idea.
By “future-forgiveness” I mean an attitude you cultivate in moving into the future. As you forgive people for past injustices, forgiveness comes to be a part of you. You begin to see that you can love those who are cruel to you, and if you can do that, then you can love those who are interacting pretty well with you. Then you come to realize that this is how you can live your life—loving others as a way of life—no matter what life throws at you.
“Future-forgiveness”—committing to going into your future with love for others no matter how they treat you—is a joyous way to live.
Dr. Bob
A Person Is a Person No Matter How Wounded
As you meet people today, please look at each one and say to yourself, “This particular person is probably wounded in some way. He (she) is not showing the wounds, but is trying to get through the day with these wounds…and they probably hurt.”
And then add this: “A person is a person, no matter how wounded.”
And one more thing, please be sure to say this silently about yourself.
Enjoy seeing the personhood in all.
Dr. Bob
Why Forgiveness Brings Joy
Forgiveness brings joy? Where did I come up with that, the skeptic might ask. Well, our forgiveness research at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, since 1993, has shown that as people take the time to forgive others for deep injustices the following tends to happen for the forgiver: lower anger, anxiety, and depression, and higher self-esteem and hope for the future. Are these fancy psychological ways of saying, “My joy has increased”?
Maybe not. Perhaps there is much more to forgiveness than a change in one’s emotions and in one’s perceptions of the self. In reflecting on this issue lately I have come to a new conclusion: Forgiveness brings joy because of what the future holds for those who routinely forgive as part of The Forgiving Life.
Here is what I mean. When we forgive and make it a part of our very being, we start to give a high priority to love in our relationships. By love, I mean the kind that is in service to other people for their good. We first love through forgiveness by looking back, by seeing who was back there in our past to make us miserable, and we respond by trying to love them, not for what they did, but in spite of this.
Eventually, we realize that not only can we go back to our past and love those who may not have loved us but also we realize that we can bring that love into the present. We can exercise this love-as-service-to-others not only toward those who have offended us, but also to all whom we meet today. We can smile at the person who looks lonely as we pass him or her on the street. We can offer kindness to a co-worker. We can love.
Even more eventually, we come to realize that our future is very, very bright. When we get up in the morning, our way of relating is through love. And it will be that way tomorrow and a hundred tomorrows from now. We have learned to love and it is now part of us, regardless of the injustices we might face.
Forgiveness may bring joy when we have some emotional relief from others’ unfairness. Forgiveness brings more decided joy when we live a life of love. Try it. You can’t wait to get up in the morning once you live life through the lens of future forgiveness.
Dr. Bob
