Why Forgive?

On Being Treated Unfairly: Don’t Let Them Win Twice!

November 12, 2017 directorifi 1 comment

So often when I talk with people who have suffered severe injustices, they are not ready to forgive. This is a normal reaction because a time of anger and adjustment to what happened is important. Forgiveness never should be rushed or pushed onto anyone. To the injured does the decision to forgive belong.

Within the past few weeks, I was talking with a teenager who lives under very trying circumstances. He lives on the West Coast of the United States. He has a history of violence against others because “this is the way you survive,” he told me. “Forgiveness is a sign of weakness,” he added. “You just can’t imagine what my family would say if I came home and proclaimed that I am forgiving those who hurt me. They would get a big laugh out of this.”

Yet, his strategies are not necessarily working for him. He is in a special program and could be expelled from his school and even from his school district. Three of his relatives are in maximum security prison. I hope we can keep him from following them.

Dr. Robert Enright

What strikes me in particular about this young man is his apparent kindness. He does not have angry eyes. He talks in a respectful way to me. We are engaged in a conversation, not engaged in a battle of wills. He wants to learn more about forgiveness, but he knows he could pay a dear price for practicing it, especially if his family and peers begin to mock him.

“You can forgive and not tell anyone you did this, not even the one who hut you,” I said. “Those you forgive will know by how you respond to them, by how you are civil to them. You do not have to use the word, ‘forgive.’”

“I need my anger,” was his studied response.

“Don’t let them win twice!” I said to him. “You have been hurt by others’ actions. Now you are carrying around the **effects** of those injustices against you. In your hurt, you are hurting others. In your hurt, you are being told over and over that you are the one who needs rehabilitation. You are the one being stereotyped.”

He looked at me with insightful eyes. He wanted to learn more.

“Yes, you have been hurt by others. Now you are hurting others. You are even hurting yourself by your actions. Do you see how those who hurt you at first are hurting you again? They may not be present to you, but they are inside of you, disrupting you, angering you, causing you pain and causing you to give pain to others.”

“They have hurt me twice,” was his insight. He got it.

“The key now is to deliberately commit to do no harm to those who have injured you. Another key now is to deliberately commit to do no harm to others. Don’t let your pain become others’ pain. When you do that, those who have hurt you win again. Those who originally hurt you win twice.”

I added: “When you forgive, you do not throw justice out the window. When people hurt you, try to exercise both justice and forgiveness together. And justice is very different from revenge. When you seek revenge, you are letting the other win as you come to the attention of authorities, when you are punished…..again.”

“They have hurt me enough. They will not win again.”

And with that he committed to working on his own anger…..so that “the bad guys” don’t have a chance to win a second time. We shook hands. We have a mutual respect for each other as persons.

Forgiveness Stops the Hurt So the “Bad Guys” Don’t Defeat You

How about you? Have others hurt you? Are you allowing them to win again?

Forgiving allows you to win for a change.

Posted Nov 11, 2017

Should I Forgive?

May 13, 2017 directorifi 1 comment

Excerpt from pages 37-38 of the book, The Forgiving Life by Dr. Robert Enright:
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“Not everyone agrees that forgiveness is morally good. For example, in 1887,

Nietzsche said that only the weak forgive. In other words, if you have to keep a job, then you forgive. If you find another job, then you can boldly tell that boss where he can go as you strut out the door. Yet, is this philosopher Nietzsche talking about genuine forgiveness? I don’t think so.

To forgive is to deliberately offer goodness in the face of your own pain to the one who was unfair to you. This is an act of great courage, not weakness. Forgiveness—like justice or patience or kindness or love—is a virtue and all virtues are concerned with the exercise of goodness. It is always appropriate to be good to others, if you so choose and are ready to do so. As a caution, if you have only $1 to feed a hungry child and you get a phone call to please give mercifully to the local animal shelter, you should not exercise goodness toward the shelter if it means depriving your child of basic needs. Yet, if the circumstances are right and if you have an honest motive to give mercy to someone who hurt you, then going ahead with forgiveness is morally good.

Why? Because you are freely offering kindness or respect or generosity or even love (or all four together) and this might change you and the other person and others in the world. Even if no one is changed by what you do, it is always good (given the right motivation and circumstance) to offer mercy in a world that seems to turn its collective back on such an act too often.”

Enright, Robert D. (2012-07-05). The Forgiving Life (APA Lifetools). American Psychological Association.

Leaving a Legacy of Love in the World

October 18, 2016 directorifi No comments

Think about this: Long after you are gone, your love could be alive and well and living on this earth in the minds, hearts, and beings of others. You can begin to leave a legacy of love by how you live this very day. In all likelihood, you will meet others today. If your heart is filled with love rather than with bitterness, it will be much easier to pass that love to others. Do you see why it is so important to forgive? You are given the joyous opportunity to shed bitterness and put love in its place for the one who hurt you and then more widely to many, many others, as you are freed to love more deeply and more widely. The meaning and purpose of your life are intimately tied to this decision to leave a legacy of love.

Enright, Robert (2015-09-28). 8 Keys to Forgiveness (8 Keys to Mental Health) (p. 225). W. W. Norton & Company. Kindle Edition.

The 5 Protections of Forgiving

September 20, 2016 directorifi No comments

We now see forgiveness as a protection in at least five ways. As we forgive, we are protecting:

(A) our own emotional health;

(B) the human dignity of the offender, not because of what happened but in spite of it;

(D) other family members, friends, and colleagues who are protected from our resentment; and

(E) our communities from on-going anger that can pervade neighborhoods, separate people, and leave a blight that depresses economies.

After all, communities continually in contention do not receive tourist dollars, and governments often turn away, even if subtly, from such communities with high rates of violence. To forgive is to serve, to love, and to protect.

Robert

Enright, Robert D.; Fitzgibbons, Richard P. (2014-11-17). Forgiveness Therapy (Kindle Locations 5565-5567). American Psychological Association (APA). Kindle Edition.

Enright, Robert D.; Fitzgibbons, Richard P. (2014-11-17). Forgiveness Therapy (Kindle Locations 5562-5565). American Psychological Association (APA). Kindle Edition.

What Is Your Goal When You Forgive?

June 9, 2016 directorifi 1 comment

Here is your multiple choice exam for the question above:

Please check all that apply to you.

I forgive:

to feel better
to repair a relationship
to grow in character because forgiveness makes me a better person
to be of help to the one who hurt me
to show my children, or others who are important to me, that forgiveness is important
to help even in a little way to make a better world, which forgiving others does by reducing conflict and trying to create more peace
to exercise goodness as an end in and of itself because forgiveness is good
to honor my religious tradition which highly values forgiving
to love because to forgive on its deepest level is to love another who is not loving me, at least in terms of the actions of unfairness

How many did you choose and why?

If you had to choose only one which typically characterizes you, which one is that?

If you had to choose only one which you think is the morally highest reason for forgiving, which one would you choose?

On which of the nine choices do you need to train your mind and heart more strongly so that you can consistently see, appreciate, and practice this one?

Robert