Tagged: “Anger”
What if a person is not sure if what happened to him is a true injustice? For example, a co-worker yelled at me. Yet, I have to admit that I was over-bearing in what I was asking regarding a particular work task. I am not sure if maybe I deserved the yelling, in which case perhaps it was not an injustice at all requiring my forgiveness.
It seems that both of you could benefit from forgiving each other, if you choose to do so. You may have been unjust in being “over-bearing.” The other person had many choices with which to respond, and yelling was only one such possible response. The yelling, which could be interpreted as a lack of respect at the moment toward you, can be interpreted as an unjust event. Beyond forgiving each other, you also might consider seeking forgiveness from each other for these interactions.
A friend recently made the claim that people-pleasers are the best forgivers because they want others to praise them for their magnanimous overture of forgiveness. Does this make sense, or is there a flaw in this thinking?
I think, as you say, that there is a flaw in this reasoning because forgiveness is to will the good of the other person. The focus of genuine forgiveness is on the one who acted unjustly and not on the self to get the applause of others.
It is hard for me to forgive when I think about the issue of a lack of gratitude from the one receiving my forgiveness. In other words, why bother if the other is indifferent to my forgiveness efforts?
A person who seems indifferent toward your forgiveness efforts may have a change of heart about this in the future. Even if the person never changes from indifference, please keep in mind that when you forgive, regardless of the other’s reaction, you get the benefit of emotional healing, of reduced resentment from the unjust treatment. Therefore, at the very least, you can experience an increase in well-being, and so forgiving is a positive response to unjust treatment.
I’m feeling ambivalent about forgiving a college classmate for something she did to me. I would like to know how much heartfelt commitment it takes for me to truly start to forgive.
As you can see, your level of forgiveness commitment can range from quite low to very high. This may also change over time. Here is a key issue for you: Are you prepared to make a commitment, even a small one, to do no harm to the person who wronged you? Do you have a clear understanding of what forgiveness is and is not—for example, that it does not instantly reconcile or excuse? You are prepared to proceed with the forgiveness process if you are motivated to do no harm and you know what forgiveness is.
I am wondering if introducing a client in psychotherapy to the full definition of forgiveness may be counter-productive. Here is what I mean: If the mental health professional defines forgiving as reducing resentment (including thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) and then includes the giving of positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to the offender, including agape love), might this be a big turn-off for a client? In other words, the client’s hearing about being compassionate to the offender, being kind, caring, and loving may seem to be way too much.
You raise a good point. Mental health professionals can avoid the “big turn-off” by clarifying that forgiveness is a process that takes time, and we do not reach the end goal right away. Further, the client needs to hear that we are all imperfect forgivers, as the ancient Greek philosopher reminded us and as Lewis Smedes further reminded us in his book, Forgive and Forget. In other words, not everyone reaches a deep level of forgiving in that the client feels and gives agape love (love for the other’s good) to the one who offended. Yet, at the same time, it is good to present a clear and accurate understanding of forgiveness to clients so that they know the true endpoint of forgiveness in its fullness. Sometimes a client can only offer a cessation of resentment toward the other person. As imperfect forgivers, this may be all that the client can offer today. This does not mean that this is the end of the forgiveness process for this client. As Aristotle reminded us, as we continue to practice any moral virtue, we become more proficient at it. In other words, maybe months down the road, a little compassion toward the other person may begin to grow in the heart of the client.
