Tagged: “Anger”
I think I have forgiven someone for betraying me. Yet, I actually do not want to have anything to do with this person anymore. Does this mean I have not forgiven?
We need to make a distinction here between forgiving and reconciling. The late Lewis Smedes, in his 1984 book, Forgive and Forget, made the compelling point that we know we have forgiven someone “if we wish the other well.” If you wish the other well, hoping that bad things do not happen to the person, then you have forgiven.
Forgiveness usually leaves us with some residual feelings of anger or sadness about what happened, but these emotions then are not intense and dominating us. In contrast, reconciliation is when two or more people come together again in mutual trust. Given that you were abandoned, your trust in that relationship likely is low and should be low if the other is continuing the hurtful behavior. So, yes, you very well may have forgiven, but you rightly are not ready to reconcile.
For additional information, see Have You Been Betrayed? 5 Suggestions for You.
I have anger left over after having gone though your forgiveness process. Does this mean that I have not forgiven?
The answer depends on how much anger you still have. As you know, when a person has a sports injury and seeks medical help, there often is a chart in the doctor’s office with a 1-to-10 scale showing different levels of pain and the patient’s task is to place a number on the pain. I now ask you to take that 1-to-10 chart and turn it into a measure of anger. How much anger is in your heart, most of the time, when you think back to the person who hurt you? Let us say that 1 equals very minimal anger and 10 equals almost unbearable anger. Where do you place your anger on this 1-to-10 scale? If the level of anger is in the 1-4 range this is quite typical. Many people do have some residual anger left over after they have forgiven.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
Can being angry have positive consequences?
Yes, if the anger is short-lived and is a call to action to right a wrong. My worry, as spelled out in the book, Forgiveness Therapy, with Dr. Fitzgibbons, is anger that becomes prolonged (months or years) and intense. This can lead to a host of psychological compromises. We need to make the distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
I sometimes hear that a lack of forgiveness can have physical ramifications. What is the most common health issue that you see in people who have been treated very unjustly and yet will not forgive?
The most common health issue that I see is fatigue. It takes a lot of energy to keep resentment in the heart and to keep fueling that resentment by replaying in the mind what happened. Forgiving can reduce the resentment, reduce the rumination, and increase energy.13-29
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
I read your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, and it became a revelation to me just how angry I have been toward my mother when I was growing up. Is this common, to be angry, to be aware of the anger, but not have a clue about the depth of that anger?
Yes, it is common because of the psychological defense mechanisms of denial, suppression, and repression. These defenses are not problematic if they keep unpleasant issues from us when we are not ready for the full brunt of those issues. The defenses can get in the way of emotional healing when they prevent us from seeing the truth: I have been treated unfairly and I am angry about this. So, in the short run, the psychological defenses can protect us from being overwhelmed. In the long-run, slowly becoming aware of the depth of anger is a first step to healing from the effects of serious injustices.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
