Tagged: “Anger”

If I still have anger toward someone who was really bad to me, does this mean I have not forgiven?

If you have reduced your anger as you have forgiven and if you now are in control of your anger (rather than your anger controlling you), then yes, I would say that you have forgiven or at least are well along the pathway of forgiveness.  Sometimes not all anger is eliminated, especially when we are treated very badly by others.  If you feel anger welling up in you again, then please revisit the forgiveness process toward this person.

I am having a very hard time forgiving my husband and now I am beginning to wonder if I am struggling with this because too often my husband’s behavior reminds me of my father’s imperfections toward me.  Do you think this is possible, that I am blocked from forgiving my husband because of my past history with my father?

I think this is a very insightful point.  It definitely can be the case that people have difficulty forgiving a partner because of similarities between the partner and the forgiver’s parent.  I suggest that you first forgive your father for what you are calling his “imperfections” toward you.  Once you have walked the pathway of forgiveness with your father, your forgiving your husband then may be deep and therefore more effective.  The fact that you see this connection between father and husband is important and I think this will help you.

 Your research tends to show that as people forgive, their own self-esteem rises. Why do you think this happens?

It seems to me that as people bear the pain that others caused them, there is a tendency for the forgivers to realize that they are stronger than they previously had realized.  They see that they can endure pain and in that pain, they can be good to others, particularly to those who acted unfairly and even cruelly.  This shows the forgivers that they are good people and this can lead to an increase in liking the self.  Too often, when people are beaten down by others, the victims begin to believe the lie that they are less than they truly are.  Forgiving helps to correct this lie.

What was your biggest surprise when you started to do research on forgiveness therapy?

I would say the biggest surprise was how effective forgiveness therapy is in the context of very deep trauma caused by other people’s unfairness.  Forgiveness therapy seems to be even more effective in reducing clinical levels of anger, anxiety, and depression than other models of psychotherapy that preceded forgiveness therapy within the social sciences.  As just one example, the Freedman and Enright (1996) study showed that incest survivors, upon forgiving, went from clinical levels of depression to non-depressed status and this continued at the one-year follow-up.  The reference to this work is as follows:

Freedman, S. R., & Enright, R. D. (1996).  Forgiveness as an intervention goal with incest survivors.  Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(5), 983-992.

As another question that I have about forgiveness therapy, does the amount of time spent in this form of therapy matter?  In other words, is longer better?

Yes, longer is better.  Baskin and Enright (1994) showed that forgiveness therapy lasting 12 weeks or longer seems more optimal than short-term therapies.  Longer therapies as more effective than short-term therapies also was supported by the meta-analysis by Aktar and Barlow.  The references to these two journal articles are as follows:

Baskin, T.W., & Enright, R. D. (2004).  Intervention studies on forgiveness: A meta-analysis.  Journal of Counseling and Development, 82, 79-90.

Akhtar, S. & Barlow, J. (2018).  Forgiveness therapy for the promotion of mental well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis.  Trauma, Violence, and Abuse, 19, 107-122.