Tagged: “Anger”

I have not whole-heartedly forgiven my partner, who remains unrepentant.  Does this mean that I have not yet forgiven?

Forgiving another need not be whole-hearted.  Sometimes people have anger left over and that is not an indication that there is no forgiving that is happening.  Do you wish the other well?  Have you forgiven to a point?  For now, that may be enough.  You need not be hard on yourself.

Does forgiving another also include the belief that this person can change for the better?

No, to forgive another person does not mean that you, as the forgiver, believe that this other person can or will change.  To forgive is to offer compassion and the acknowledgement of the person’s humanity, regardless of the outcome of this belief.  This is one important reason why we have to distinguish forgiving and reconciling.  You can offer this compassion and recognition of the other’s humanity without reconciling if the other remains a danger to you.

I have followed your advice and have committed to “do no harm” to the one who hurt me.  Yet, I still harbor anger toward this person.  Is it possible to make this commitment to do no harm and still be angry?

Yes, a commitment to do no harm is an act of the will.  Anger is an emotion.  We can control the will (what we decide to think and what we will do behaviorally) more than we can control our emotions.  Thus, as we conform our will to do no harm, we still might be angry.

You emphasize anger in your forgiveness model.  Yet, I am not feeling anger. I am feeling pain.  Might you have missed this in your model?

I agree with you that pain occurs after being treated unjustly.  I think the sequence is as follows: 1) Someone is unfair to you; 2) Next comes shock or even denial; 3) Then comes pain, as you describe; 4) If the pain does not lessen or if you have no effective way of reducing and eliminating the pain, then you may become angry.

That anger can be at the person for acting unfairly, or at the situation, or even at the pain itself that resulted from the unfair treatment.  It is the anger, if it abides and deepens, that can lead to health problems (fatigue, anxiety, and so forth).  So, I emphasize anger within Forgiveness Therapy because it, in the form of excessive anger or resentment, can be dangerous to health, relationships, and communities.

I am back with my boyfriend after several months of being apart.  I am apprehensive, not trusting much, because of his past hurts.  Have I reconciled, I mean truly reconciled, if I cannot trust yet?

Being together does not necessarily mean that you are reconciled.  Reconciliation includes trust, but trust is earned back inch-by-inch. Does your boyfriend show you signs that he has remorse (sadness for what he did)?  Does he show repentance (saying he is sorry)?  Does he engage in recompense (behaviorally trying to make up for what he did and behaviorally showing he is trustworthy)?  Keep these three issues in mind (remorse, repentance, and recompense) as a way to build your trust so that you can achieve a true reconciliation.