Tagged: “Anger”
In response to your question about my question, here is how I understand forgiveness: When we forgive, we concentrate on letting the anger or disappointment drift away. In this way, the negative emotions no longer are affecting a person. What do you think?
I think you are tapping into some current writing about forgiveness that actually is a distortion of it. When we forgive, we do not concentrate on our emotions. Instead, we engage in a moral virtue of mercy toward a person who acted unjustly. In other words, the focus is on the other person, not on yourself. I think you are not making progress in forgiveness because you are not practicing forgiveness.
You emphasize practice as a way of growing in forgiveness. I have been practicing now for about four weeks on forgiving someone. It is not working. What do I do now?
I first have to ask you a question: What is your definition of forgiveness? I want to be sure that you are understanding it correctly.
I’m not angry. My father ignored me as a child, so I don’t have to forgive him, right?
To start or continue forgiving, you do not need to be angry. For instance, are you feeling sad or disappointed? Do you believe that you and your father can now have a sincere, trustworthy relationship? If you do not think that a genuine reconciliation is possible between your father and you, then forgiveness would be justified in this circumstance. To put it another way, forgiveness is not solely motivated by feelings of anger. Forgiveness might be suitable if you believe that you have been treated unfairly and that this is interfering with your connection with your father.
The concept of forgiveness as a whole bothers me. I am asked to “leave it in the past” or “just move on” if I am to forgive. When the memories simply won’t go away, how can I “leave it in the past”?
Forgiveness is more than simply letting go of the past or moving on. Forgiveness is a moral virtue that emphasizes kindness toward specific people, those who have wronged you. This experience of “the memories simply won’t go away” diminishes when you forgive because you start to see that person differently. Without this paradox of struggling to be good to those who were not good to you, it is very difficult to “leave it in the past.” By forgiving, which includes mercy toward those who were unfair, you can let go of the constant unresolved discontent and move into the future in a more healthy way.
I have taken your advice and have applied what you call the “strong will” to forgive someone who deeply hurt me. I still feel stuck. Do you have a further recommendation for me?
Yes, I understand how hard it is to forgive at times, and so please accept my sympathy. I recommend that you try to forgive someone else first if you are having trouble forgiving a certain individual. Forgiving this new person first may be easier because the injustice may not have been as serious. With this kind of practice in the process of forgiveness, you then should consider forgiving the person toward whom you are “stuck” in trying to forgive. You might be able to forgive this one individual who is causing you so much difficulty if you practice forgiving at least one other person first.
