Tagged: “Anger”

My friend has anger. He seems to have a pattern of distracting himself whenever he has a resurgence of his anger. In other words, he buries himself in computer games, has fun, and the anger subsides. Yet, that anger never seems to leave. He can get all hot-under-the-collar, as they say, and have temper tantrums. So, is the method of distraction ok or not?

The method of distraction as a coping mechanism for deep anger only is a short-term solution.  In other words, distraction masks the anger for a while, but it does not cure the anger. Have you talked with your friend about what is bothering him? If it is an injustice from another person or persons, perhaps it is time to consider forgiving. This may not eliminate all of his anger, but it should reduce it to more manageable levels.

For additional information, see Why Forgive? 

As a follow-up to my previous question about retaining anger for years, is it truly forgiving another if there is anger still present, even if that anger is mild and not toxic?

Yes, if you wish the other well, if you see the other as possessing unconditional inherent (built-in) worth, and if you have committed to doing no harm to that person, then you have forgiven. Having some anger does not invalidate all of this goodness that you have toward the one who hurt you.

For additional information, see  The Four Phases of Forgiveness. 

You talk a lot about how forgiveness lowers one’s anger. You further state that too much anger is unhealthy for a person. Yet, isn’t it possible for anger to linger for a very long time when someone close to you betrays you? 

Yes, you do make a good point. When betrayed by a loved one (and many other examples of injustice), anger can continue for a very long time, even years. Yet, there is an important difference between feeling some anger as you recall what happened and being dominated by intense, unhealthy anger. Forgiveness, practiced patiently over time, can reduce this unhealthy form of anger. Having some anger left over simply shows that you are human and you are still, legitimately, responding to what happened to you. You are saying that you are a person of worth who should not have been treated this way. So, I think you can go in peace knowing that you have forgiven even with some residual anger. If you are feeling the intense, toxic anger on a regular basis, I suggest that you turn once again to the process of forgiveness to lower that anger.

For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy? 

Is it ever too late to forgive? My dad has been angry with his own father now for decades. This anger has become part of his identity, part of who he is. I am worried that he never will be able to forgive and find peace.

You make a good point about anger sometimes becoming part of one’s identity. Also, at times people are fearful of confronting their own anger because they fear an inability to be rid of this. Yet, once a person realizes that forgiveness is a kind of safety net for the unhealthy anger, they tend to go ahead with forgiveness because they have more confidence in their ability to eliminate this excessive anger.

Also, with regard to the theme of identity, people can transform their identity, from resentful persons to persons who are caring and who do not let others’ injustices define who they are. If you see receptivity in your father regarding forgiveness, you might want to talk to him about these two themes: a) forgiving is a safety net for his anger and thus that anger will not overwhelm him if he starts to look at his own father’s behavior; and, b) his identity might change in a positive way.

For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.

I hate to admit it, but I have been hating someone for years. How long now will it take me to forgive? I want it all wrapped up this week.

Please do not think of forgiving as a kind of pill one takes for a headache. You do not take a forgiveness pill and then wait a little while for complete relief. Forgiveness, instead, is a process, a challenging process, that takes time to develop. We find that the more severe the injustice against a person, then the longer it may take to forgive. If you work at it, we find that people tend to feel some relief in about 12 weeks; others still may take much longer, but even in this longer process, you might sense that your anger is diminishing, which can motivate you to keep at the forgiveness process. Anger is not necessarily entirely eliminated when a person forgives, but hatred (very deep and abiding anger) does tend to diminish. I am encouraged that you are considering forgiving even with hatred in your heart. This, to me, is a good sign that you will make progress in your forgiving.