Tagged: “Anger”
Is it less meritorious to say to oneself about the other person, “I forgive you,” than to say this directly to the offending person?
The answer depends on how the other will respond. If that person is not ready to hear those words or to seek forgiveness, then rejection of your overture can happen. If the other sees no wrong in the actions, then rejection of your overture again can happen. In other words, it depends on the circumstances between the two of you. You certainly can say within yourself to the other, “I forgive you, “ and this is reasonable if proclaiming those words to the other will create more tension between the two of you.
For additional information, see 8 Keys to Forgiveness.
When I forgive, I want to confront the person who hurt me. If I do not confront, then I feel as if my forgiving is incomplete. Just having positive thoughts and feelings and even behaviors is not enough. The other has to change for me to forgive. Do you agree?
I agree that it is important for the other to change if the goal is a genuine, trusting reconciliation. I disagree if the initial goal is to exercise the moral virtue of forgiveness. Your statement suggests to me that you want justice and that is a good thing. Yet, justice and forgiveness are not the same thing. Try to realize that confrontation is a form of justice-seeking. I recommend forgiving before the justice-seeking so that the confrontation is not harsh. Exercising justice after forgiveness can result in a better justice-seeking and a better justice outcome.
For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?
I forgave someone a year ago, but I still have these random moments in which I feel some anger. What is my next step here?
When we forgive, the anger does not necessarily go away completely. This does not necessarily imply that you have not forgiven. Are you in control of that anger or is the anger controlling you? You say the anger comes “randomly.” How often does this happen? If it occurs infrequently, say once a month, then I think you have forgiven and are experiencing the natural and imperfect parts of being hurt and forgiving. If the anger is more intense and comes more frequently, say once a week, then I recommend going back through the forgiveness process with this person.
For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?
What does it mean to accept the pain of the other’s offense?
To accept the pain is not to put up with abuse. One first has to protect oneself by seeking justice from abuse. To accept the pain is not to live with this pain for the rest of one’s life. To accept the pain is to stand with that pain, to not run from that pain (because the injustice did happen). To accept the pain is to make a commitment not to pass that pain back to the one who offended or to anyone else. As one stands this way and commits to not passing the pain to others, the paradox is that the one who accepts the pain begins to notice that, over time, the pain begins to lessen.
For additional information, see the Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I want to reach out to a former good friend. We have not talked in about a year. I fear being humiliated. What can I do to overcome this fear of humiliation?
You are showing courage to consider approaching the former good friend. I would suggest two things. First, try to cultivate a sense of humility which may counter any harmful humiliation if the person rejects your overture of a renewed friendship. In other words, cultivating humility gets you ready for a rejection. Second, realize that the other person may not be as ready for a conversation as you are. Even if you make the approach, please realize that the other may need time to adjust to this new overture. A hesitancy on the other’s part today does not mean that this will continue indefinitely. Humility and patience may help you in this case.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
