Tagged: “Anger”
I sometimes hear that a lack of forgiveness can have physical ramifications. What is the most common health issue that you see in people who have been treated very unjustly and yet will not forgive?
The most common health issue that I see is fatigue. It takes a lot of energy to keep resentment in the heart and to keep fueling that resentment by replaying in the mind what happened. Forgiving can reduce the resentment, reduce the rumination, and increase energy.13-29
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
I read your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, and it became a revelation to me just how angry I have been toward my mother when I was growing up. Is this common, to be angry, to be aware of the anger, but not have a clue about the depth of that anger?
Yes, it is common because of the psychological defense mechanisms of denial, suppression, and repression. These defenses are not problematic if they keep unpleasant issues from us when we are not ready for the full brunt of those issues. The defenses can get in the way of emotional healing when they prevent us from seeing the truth: I have been treated unfairly and I am angry about this. So, in the short run, the psychological defenses can protect us from being overwhelmed. In the long-run, slowly becoming aware of the depth of anger is a first step to healing from the effects of serious injustices.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
My husband is hesitant to forgive because he says he does not want to act as if the problem (with his brother) never happened. Do you have some advice for me?
It may help if your husband realizes that forgiveness and justice exist together. One can and should seek justice, and in my view, the quest for justice works well once a person already has forgiven. At the same time, once people forgive, they do not want to keep bringing up what happened. There is a tendency toward moving on. Thus, your husband, if he forgives, will not want to keep bringing up the injustice and, in all likelihood, he will want to leave it in the past.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
Lately, when I have an argument with my boyfriend, I find myself bringing up old issues that I thought were behind me, for which I thought I had forgiven him. Do you think I truly have forgiven him for the past issues or not, given that I tend to bring them up?
It seems to me that you have begun the process of forgiving, because you state that forgiveness is part of you now. At the same time, I would recommend more forgiving work toward your boyfriend for those past events so that you can leave them in the past. Please keep in mind that still feeling some pain from past injustices is normal. It is the excessive anger from those incidents that you want to diminish and more forgiving should accomplish that in you.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
“Is it harder to forgive if a person is filled with anger compared with another person who is filled with pain and sorrow after being treated unfairly?”
It seems to me that if the anger is very intense and includes resentment or even hatred, then, yes, it is harder to forgive. Some people who are fuming with anger cannot even use the word “forgiveness” because it intensifies the anger. At the same time, if a person has deep sorrow, sometimes there is an accompanying lack of energy and the person needs some time to mourn first. At such times, the person needs to be gentle with the self as emotional healing takes place.
For additional information, see If I forgive, might I repress my angry feelings? (FAQ-5.)
