Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

The Role of Emotional Validation in Apologies and Forgiveness

This blog post is by Dr. Suzanne Freedman, a Contributing Writer and Researcher to the IFI. She is a Professor in the Educational Psychology department at the University of Northern Iowa in Cedar Falls, Iowa.

I did something to hurt my daughter the other day. It was unintentional, but she was angry and hurt, and she had a right to her feelings. When she shared her emotions with me, I realized that my actions were wrong. I felt bad about what I had done; I apologized and assured her that it would not happen again. However, I apologized immediately after she expressed her anger, while she was still upset. Fortunately, through my study of forgiveness and the psychological process of forgiving for over 30 years, I understand that forgiveness is not instantaneous.

Although I wanted my daughter’s forgiveness, I knew expecting it right away was neither fair nor realistic. People often apologize and expect immediate absolution before the injured has processed their emotions. Many individuals who say, “I forgive you” upon receiving an apology later discover they do not feel that forgiveness in their hearts. This is because genuine healing requires time, not just words.

One of the most overlooked aspects of apologizing is allowing the hurt people time to work through their emotions. Expecting immediate forgiveness disregards the necessary emotional processing that follows a deep, personal, and unfair injury (Smedes, 1996). Emotional reactions to conflict and personal injury are normal and natural, and those who have been hurt need time to feel and express their emotions. As a student in my college class on interpersonal relationships stated, “Forgiveness is not immediate—you cannot just say ‘I forgive you’ and expect everything to be better. Especially if saying it is not true—saying it just to stop talking about it does not make it better for you or them. Yet, I see it all the time, and people wonder why their relationships/friendships are never the same. There are steps you can take to forgive someone, even if you never forget what happened or your relationship isn’t the same” (personal communication, March 2025).

A sincere apology involves emotional validation—the acknowledgment of another person’s feelings as real and important. Research shows that interpersonal hurt often evokes a mix of emotions, including resentment, anger, and/or sadness (Freedman & Zarifikar, 2016). If these emotions are dismissed—such as when an offender urges the injured to “move on” or “let it go”—it can lead to emotional suppression or denial rather than genuine healing (Gregory, 2025). Admitting and expressing feelings is a critical step before forgiveness can occur, as emphasized in the first phase of Enright’s (2019) process model of interpersonal forgiveness. Forgiveness is often criticized because individuals fail to recognize this critical step in the forgiveness process and mistakenly believe that forgiveness involves the suppression or denial of one’s emotions (Freedman & Zarifkar, 2016).

I knew that allowing my daughter to feel, express, and process her emotions was just as important as my apology. By validating her anger rather than dismissing it or pushing her toward forgiveness, I communicated that her pain mattered. This act of validation fosters an environment where forgiveness can develop naturally over time. Parents often struggle when they see their children in pain and may react by suggesting they quickly move past the hurt. However, individuals need time to experience and process their emotions before they are ready to move forward. According to Damour (2020), when teens can sit with their feelings and then move beyond them, they develop resilience, realizing they can endure difficult emotions.

Pressuring someone to forgive before they are ready can lead to resentment, emotional dissonance, and distrust in the forgiveness process (Worthington, 2006). Instead of fostering healing, forced forgiveness creates obligation, often resulting in superficial reconciliation (Freedman & Chang, 2010). My college students frequently report that they remember being told in childhood to forgive after receiving a forced apology, despite still feeling hurt. Similarly, offenders are often encouraged to apologize before they truly feel remorse. Genuine forgiveness and apology cannot be demanded—it must arise from within.

In my situation, if I had expected my daughter to forgive me immediately, she might have felt pressured rather than supported. This could have led to resentment or suppression of her emotions instead of real healing. By giving her the space she needed, I conveyed that her emotions were valid. As Damour (2020) explains, psychological health is not about avoiding discomfort but about experiencing the appropriate emotion at the right time and developing the capacity to endure it.

Conclusion

Forgiveness is a process, not a transaction. While an apology is a critical step in making amends, it does not guarantee immediate and automatic forgiveness. Emotional validation plays an essential role in healing by acknowledging the injured person’s emotions rather than rushing the person toward a resolution. Additionally, while an apology is not necessary for forgiveness to occur, it is often important for reconciliation and can make forgiving easier. However, requiring an apology before forgiving can leave the injured trapped in resentment, waiting for an apology that may never come (Freedman, 1998).

My experience with my daughter reinforced a fundamental truth—forgiveness cannot be rushed or forced. Healing requires time, understanding, and the space to process emotions fully. By allowing my daughter to work through her pain without pressure, I honored her emotional experience and our relationship, fostering the conditions for true forgiveness to emerge.

References

Damour, L. (2020) Helping teens make room for uncomfortable emotions. New York Times, April 21, https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/21/well/family/coronavirus-teenagers-uncomfortable-emotions.html

Enright, R. D. (2019). Forgiveness is a choice: A step-by-step process for resolving anger and restoring hope. American Psychological Association.

Freedman, S. (1998). Forgiveness and reconciliation: The importance of understanding how they differ. Counseling and Values, 42(3), 200–216. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.2161-007X.1998.tb00426.x

Freedman, S., & Chang, W.-C. R. (2010). An analysis of a sample of the general population’s understanding of forgiveness: Implications for mental health counselors. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 32(1), 5-34. https://doi.org/10.17744/mehc.32.1.a0x246r8l6025053

Freedman, S., & Zarifikar, T. (2016). The psychology of interpersonal forgiveness and guidelines for forgiveness therapy: What therapists need to know to help their clients forgive. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 3(1), 45-58. https://doi.org/10.1037/scp0000087

Gregory, A. A. (2025). You don’t need to forgive: Trauma recovery on your own terms. Broadleaf Books.

Smedes, L. B. (1996). The art of forgiving: When you need to forgive and don’t know how. Penguin Random House.

Worthington, E. L., Jr. (2006). Forgiveness and reconciliation: Theory and application. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Where does self-forgiveness fit into anger at oneself or others?

We forgive ourselves when we have broken our own moral standards. Because it tends to be harder to forgive the self than other people, I recommend that you first forgive someone who has hurt you. Get to know the process of forgiveness this way. See how you broaden your view of this person and begin to see the person as possessing inherent worth, not because of the injustices but in spite of them. In self-forgiveness, yes, you are angry with yourself, but you will see as you now forgive yourself that even though you broke your own moral standard, you are a person of worth. As you see this, your heart likely will become softer toward yourself as you slowly develop self-compassion. As you do this you begin to lessen the anger. You then can stand in the pain of what you did so that you do not subvert yourself or take out your anger and disappointment on others. Then, try to give the gift of being kind and even loving toward yourself. As you do this, the anger toward yourself tends to lessen even more.

If I understand correctly, anger is an important step before the forgiveness process happens. What if someone has passive-aggressive anger? Is this all right to have?

There is a large difference between feeling the anger before starting the forgiveness process and acting on that anger. Passive-aggressive anger is directed toward others and should be resisted. The idea of “do no harm” includes the period in which a person feels initial anger, after experiencing injustice, and prior to forgiving.

Husband says he begged God to forgive his wife after she killed her four children and herself

Image by Raphael Brasileiro, Pexels.com

On February 19 of this year, Gina Vivinetto on the website Today (https://www.today.com/parents/tranyelle-harshman-murder-suicide-kids-rcna192839) reported on a tragic murder and suicide by a woman and her four children.  The woman was suffering from both postpartum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  The husband, Cliff Harshman, in an act of heroism, reported that he “begged God to forgive her” as Tranyelle was lying on her hospital bed. He said that he does not view her “as a monster” because she was both a loving wife and mother.  He reflected on his wife’s struggles over the past five years, concluding that she was very troubled and was unable to overcome the psychological challenges.

Forgive and forget.  I hear this so often.  Do we forget when we forgive?  If so, then how can we prevent the recurrence of others’ unjust behavior?

In my experience with helping people to forgive, I do not see that people literally forget what happened to them.  Instead, I use the expression that people begin to “remember in new ways.”  This is what I mean:  The forgiver does recall the unjust behavior so that it does not keep occurring.  Yet, in recalling what happened, the forgiver is not filled with dread or deep anger as may have occurred prior to forgiving.  To remember in new ways is to protect the self from others’ harm without doing recurring inner harm to the self through intense and ongoing anger.