Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

It is not possible to forgive someone who has died unless the forgiver believes in an afterlife, right?

One can forgive the deceased regardless of the belief system of the forgiver.  For example, the forgiver can say something nice about the person to others, preserving a good name, not because of what happened, but in spite of this.  The forgiver might donate some money to a charity in that person’s name, again as a generous act of forgiving.  So, one can forgive someone who has died.  Otherwise, the one who was treated unjustly could be trapped with an inner resentment that could last the rest of the person’s life.

Is there an exposure therapy for those who are scared to forgive? For example, if someone is afraid of elevators, the key is to spend some time near elevators, then to enter one that is not moving, and then eventually to go up one floor in an elevator. Is there something such as this for fear of forgiving?

We do not start Forgiveness Therapy for those who are apprehensive toward forgiving. Instead, the key here is to spend time discussing as clearly as possible what forgiving is and what it is not. In the vast majority of cases, those who fear forgiveness have an incorrect definition of what it is, for example, presuming that one must put up with abuse (which forgiveness definitely is not).

I forgave my partner and still we have too much conflict. I now hate myself for forgiving and feel weak. What do you think?

I think you might have confused forgiving (a merciful response of being good to those who are not good to you) and reconciliation (two or more people coming together again in mutual trust). If you have no trust, you still can forgive by trying to reduce resentment against the partner and to offer goodness, even from a distance, if you have to leave the relationship. This distinction between forgiving and reconciling may help you to have mercy on yourself now. You have inherent worth no matter what your circumstances. I wish you the best in your decisions.

I think anger is normal.  You do not seem to think so.  Would you please clarify?

We have to make a distinction between healthy anger and unhealthy anger.  Healthy anger occurs as a short-term reaction to others’ unfairness.  The anger emerges because the one being treated unfairly knows that all people are worthy of respect, even oneself.  Unhealthy anger occurs when the initial reaction of healthy anger does not end, but intensifies and remains in the person’s heart for months or even many years.  At that point, the anger can have quite negative effects on one’s energy, ability to concentrate, and on one’s overall well-being.  Healthy anger is normal.  Unhealthy anger needs attention and amelioration.

In your experience, are people more critical of others who are unjust or of themselves when they break their own standards?

I find that people are more critical of themselves than they are of others.  Many people find it difficult to welcome themselves back into the human community once they have behaved badly.  I discuss this issue in a Psychology Today blog centered on self-loathing here:

The Cure for Self-Loathing? Self-Forgiveness