Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

My friend thinks that by my forgiving her then all is supposedly well as if the injuries never even happened.  How do I explain that my forgiving does not automatically alter the relationship to something great (when at this point, it is not)?

Your friend is confusing your forgiving with reconciliation.  To reconcile means that both of you come together again in mutual trust.  It seems that you are not quite ready to fully trust her at this point.  Yes, forgiving is an important step toward reconciliation, but she now will have to do her part to avoid injuring you as she has done in the past.

I sometimes lose my temper with my partner.  Lately when I ask for forgiveness, he is unwilling to grant it.  I have been patient, giving him time to forgive, and then I ask again with no effect. This leaves me with both shame and guilt.  What do you recommend to me so that I can be freed from the shame and guilt?

Have you been working on your temper so that it does not get in the way of the relationship?  Seeking forgiveness and changing behavior go together.  If you are changing that behavior and because you have asked for forgiveness and have been patient, I think you can go in peace knowing that you have done your best for now.  Give your partner time for him to work through his own forgiving.

Can you really forgive someone who has died?

Yes.  It is not complete forgiveness in that you forgive, the other accepts that, and then you happily reconcile.  Yet, you can say a kind word about the person to others or donate some money to a charity in that person’s name.  This is gift-giving in an indirect sense and mercy in the form of gift-giving is part of forgiveness.

I have believed that one does not forgive unless the other person apologizes.  You say differently.  Can you give me at least 3 reasons why it is ok to forgive someone who does not apologize or even refuses to do so?

Yes, I can give you three reasons as follows: 1) There is no other moral virtue on the planet that has a rule connected to it that someone else must engage in a certain behavior or say certain words before you can engage in that virtue.  For example, you can be patient whenever you wish.  Also, you can be fair to others no matter the circumstances.  Why now is forgiveness the only moral virtue that must not emerge until the other person utters those three words: “I am sorry?”; 2) Your waiting until the other apologizes gives that person tremendous power over you. You could  be stuck with harmful resentment or even hatred if the other refuses to let you forgive and be free of this toxic anger; 3) Your free will as a person is hampered if you must await permission from the other (with the words, “I am sorry”) before you can forgive.  Here is a fourth reason: Suppose the person passes away before saying the three words.  You now are stuck with the resentment with no possibility of releasing that potentially harmful emotion for the rest of your life.

How to Move Past Resentment

A 54-minute podcast called “How to Move Past Resentment with Dr. Robert Enright, Founder of the International Forgiveness Institute” was released today and is now available free of charge on The Growing Through It Podcast network and major podcast channels.

“When someone wrongs, hurts, or violates us, we get angry,” according to podcast host Jen Arnold.  “If we hold on to  that anger and resentment it can fester, leading to increased stress, negative emotions, poorer mental health, a weakened immune system, and higher blood pressure. In this podcast, Dr. Enright outlines how can you get past the anger so you can get on with your life.”

The interview with Dr. Enright is episode 23 of the podcast series that Arnold has been taping and airing since last year. The series, she says “offers advice, real conversations, and stories of personal setbacks to help you grow from your challenges.”

Don’t just go through it. Grow through it.

Jen Arnold

Dr. Enright opens the podcast interview by defining what forgives is and what it’s not (since forgiveness, he says, is so often misunderstood). He goes on to explain what happens when people hold on to resentment before walking listeners  through his process for forgiving others and forgiving one’s self as well as how to ask for forgiveness.

Jen Arnold is the founder and CEO of Redesigning Wellness, Inc., a company that offers resilience training to individuals and employee groups. She defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress.” Forgiveness, she adds, is an important component of that adaptation process.

Learn More:

• Listen to the entire podcast interview with Dr. Enright.
• View all The Growing Through It Podcast episodes.
• Visit the Redesigning Wellness website.