Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
I was hurt by a family member yesterday. It was so unfair. I value forgiveness, but I am not at all ready to forgive. Should I start on the forgiveness path today, even through I am quite angry right now? Maybe my anger is a problem.
It is legitimate to feel angry soon after a serious injustice has occurred. The anger shows you that you know right from wrong and that you should not be treated unfairly. A key here is to not let the anger linger because it could last a very long time, which may end up hurting you. So, take some time to be angry, but also have the idea of forgiveness in mind so that, after a period of legitimate anger, you can then, through your own free will, forgive the family member.
My boyfriend cheated on me. Do you think it is possible for me to forgive him and, if so, what would the look like? This seems so hard.
Yes, you can forgive your boyfriend who was unfaithful to you. You can read about this issue in one of my essays at the Psychology Today website here:
Heroic Forgiveness in Recent Church Shooting
Photo by Liza Summer, Pexels.com
On September 28, 2025, Thomas Jacob Sanford drove his pickup truck through the front doors of the meetinghouse of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints during a worship service in Grand Blanc Township, Michigan. He opened fire with an assault rifle and then set the structure ablaze. Four people were killed and eight were wounded. He was killed in the parking lot by police. In the aftermath, at least six online fundraisers were started for the assailant’s widow and children. David Butler of Utah started a fundraising campaign that saw thousands of people donating. The fundraising efforts were not without their critics, who said that the victims’ families should be the recipients of the gifts. Yet, the gifts were a gesture of forgiveness, shown directly to the offending person’s family.
Can I forgive someone who hurt my child at school, but did not directly hurt me? Is forgiveness appropriate only if I was directly hurt?
The philosopher, Trudy Govier, makes a distinction between primary forgiveness (in which you were directly hurt) and secondary forgiveness (in which a loved one was hurt and this has made you angry). Secondary forgiveness is a legitimate form of forgiving because you truly were negatively affected by what happened to your child. So, when you are ready, go ahead and forgive the one who was unfair to your child.
I am wondering if I have truly forgiven my partner for a serious betrayal or whether I am simply engaging in the psychological defense mechanism of denial. Can you help me with this?
Yes, here are some questions for you to discern genuine forgiveness from denial:
A) Have you committed to doing no harm to your partner? This often is a sign that the forgiveness process has begun.
B) Do you see your partner through a wider angle lens than just defining the person by the serious betrayal? In other words, do you see that your partner has inherent or built-in worth?
C) Are you hoping that your partner has a good life despite the betrayal?
All of these are indications that you are not simply denying what happened, but instead you are forgiving because you are being positive in terms of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the person.
