Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

I put a lot of effort into forgiving others, but occasionally I have weeks where I don’t want to even consider it or what happened to me. What can I do in these situations to avoid feeling badly or uneasy about putting forgiveness aside?

Let us begin with an analogy. Presume that you follow a fitness routine. Do you exercise weekly for a whole year, or do you take a break to rest, recover, and regroup? Physical trainers advise us to rest for a while. It benefits us. In the same way, imagine becoming forgivingly fit. Hard work is admirable, but to return to that work with fresh vigor, we need time off to rest and regroup.  When you realize this, then you likely will not feel badly for taking time off to refresh before starting to forgive again.

Your emphasis on forgiveness seems to leave out a legitimate time for being angry.  It seems natural to me that we get angry when treated unjustly.  Why shouldn’t we?  When treated badly, I think it is healthy to have some anger over what happened.

I agree, and your timing is interesting because I just recently posted an essay on Psychology Today addressing this very issue.  It can be found here: Which Protects You Better: Anger or Forgiveness?, May 14, 2025

The gist of that essay is that short-term anger is healthy, but when it deepens, festers, and lasts a long time, it can become unhealthy and contribute to emotional and even physical compromise.  Forgiveness can help a person keep anger under control.

Here is yet another issue between my husband and me.  We were talking to a group of friends about forgiveness.  Lately, two of the friends suggested to him that he should forgive one of his parents.  He then got upset with me, saying, “See what you have done?  Now, we even have our friends pressuring me into a forgiveness that I do not want to offer.”  What do you think?  How should I respond to him about this?

It is important that your husband realizes that forgiveness is his own free will choice and that people should not pressure him into this.  He then may be able to see that the friends are well-intentioned, but he does not have to automatically follow their lead on this.  When he is ready, he may go ahead and forgive.

My husband and I do not have children yet, but he has expressed concern that I might overemphasize forgiveness to them and make them weaklings.  What would you say to that?

Your husband is not seeing forgiveness deeply enough.  Forgiveness is most certainly not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of courage and strength.  After all, the forgiver is offering mercy through a heart of pain.  I think the children need to know about forgiveness so that when others’ injustices hurt them, they know how to forgive as a way of reducing unhealthy anger toward the one who acted badly.  The forgiveness may make a legitimate reconciliation possible for them.

My husband continued to challenge me, saying that I am too soft on forgiving, and that I will likely stay in my job for a lifetime, even when my boss is mean to me, which he sometimes is.

Your partner is confusing forgiveness with reconciliation.  You need to point out the difference between the two.  Forgiving is a moral virtue in which you willingly decide to have mercy on the one who behaved unjustly.  Reconciliation is not a moral virtue, but instead is a negotiation strategy between two or more people coming together in mutual trust.  Therefore, you can forgive and find a new job if your boss continues to be unreasonable in your judgement.