Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
When a Christian engages in self-forgiveness, is he forgiving his own sins?
People who are Christians do not forgive their own sins when they engage in self-forgiveness. Instead, it means that one gives to oneself what one gives to others when they are hurtful: love, compassion, and understanding despite the negative behavior. Self-forgiveness is the process of trying to love the self despite engaging in bad behavior. This does not mean that the self-forgiver excuses inappropriate behavior. Forgiveness of sins belongs exclusively to God.
Reader’s Digest Presents 10 Powerful Stories of Forgiveness
Image by Hatice Kesnick, Pexels.com
On June 9, 2025, Reader’s Digest published 10 heart-warming stories of people who have forgiven others for deep injustices. As one example, entitled The Unexpected Caregiver, Pascale Kavanagh, a survivor of domestic abuse, stated that she never imagined reconnecting with her abuser, her mother, in her adult life. Her mother, however, had multiple strokes, preventing her from speaking or caring for herself. Kavanagh started reading to her mother beside her bedside. Kavanagh reports that her hatred for her mother turned into forgiveness and love as she took care of her on a daily basis.
What is a first step in convincing my partner to read your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice? He has been hurt by his father years ago, and resentment remains. Every time I mention forgiveness, he turns away as if it is toxic.
I first would try to find out what he means by the term forgiveness. It is possible that he is misunderstanding it, equating it, for example, with saying, “What you did to me was okay.” See if there are errors in his thinking. If there are, try to correct those, without insisting that he now forgives. After a while, you can ask him how his inner world is. For example, is he disrupted by his father’s actions from years ago? If so, ask him what he is doing to heal from that and if his chosen approach actually is working? If not, you then can gently discuss some of the scientific research showing that people get relief from their resentment when they forgive. Understanding accurately what forgiveness is and being motivated to heal from resentment are two approaches that are worth trying.
Don’t you think that an apology helps foster forgiving? If so, does it follow that the other’s apology should be part of what forgiveness is?
Receiving an apology does help people to forgive, but this is not necessary. Think of any other moral virtue, such as altruism. If you want to give money to a person who is without a home, does this person have to say or do something for you to freely give funds to this person? No. Why? This is the case because people are free to be altruistic whenever they want to do so. It is the same with forgiveness. You are free to forgive whenever you want to do so. It is not dependent on what others do, even if they offer an apology.
Do you think that if a person forgives too easily, then this might enable harmful behavior by the other person?
I think this issue is often misunderstood, based on my reading and the questions I’ve been asked. If a person forgives quickly (or, as you say, easily), this does not invalidate the philosophical issue that moral virtues should be practiced together. In the case of forgiveness, justice should be a teammate. In other words, when you forgive, also respectfully ask for justice from the one who acted unjustly. When this occurs (forgiveness and justice working in tandem), it does not matter if the forgiving is quick or lengthy. In either case, justice should accompany the forgiving.
