Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

What risks come when attempting to reconcile with someone who has previously shown himself to be unreliable?

Here are three issues for your consideration:

1. You risk being harmed again in the same manner if you make a hasty reconciliation without the other party expressing regret, contrition, or considering recompense.

2. Please remember that reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same thing. Even if you have the deepest forgiveness, you won’t be able to make amends if the other person still poses a threat to you. If you confuse the two, you might feel a mistaken sense of obligation to make amends as you extend forgiveness.

3. False reconciliation can be used as a kind of power game if you are still angry and unwilling to forgive. This involves coming together in a superficial manner and then continuously reminding him how inappropriate he has been and how wonderful you have been. For this reason, a genuine reconciliation is likely to occur only after forgiveness has taken place.

Is it true that people “Forgive and Forget”?

Image by Meo, Pexels.com

A recent set of four studies examined the extent to which people actually forget the unjust situation once they have forgiven.  The reference to that work is:

Fernández-Miranda, G., Stanley, M., Murray, S., Faul, L., & De Brigard, F. (2025). The emotional impact of forgiveness on autobiographical memories of past wrongdoings. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0001787

The authors made the distinction between the possibility that the memory of the event fades (what they called “episodic fading”) and what they called “emotional fading” in which the strong and negative emotions are diminished upon forgiving.

The authors, in their abstract, concluded this:

“While the episodic fading account predicts that forgiveness is associated with less vivid and detailed memories of being wronged, the emotional fading account predicts that forgiveness need not be associated with diminished episodic characteristics. Across four studies (N = 1,479, after exclusions), we found consistent support for the emotional fading account but not for the episodic fading account.”

In other words, people do not literally forget what happened once they forgive.  The memory can pass through the mind and heart without the heightened negative emotions welling up.

“Forgive and forget” may need to be rephrased as “forgiving and remembering in new ways.”

Do you ever find that anyone actually starts the forgiveness process for anything other than the self-interest of feeling better?

First, we have to realize that the self-interest to which you refer is not a selfish process.  As an analogy, if you sprain your ankle and go to a physician for help, this is self-care, not selfishness.  I do find that such self-care is a strong motivation for many people to forgive.  Yet, I also see situations in which people, who have practiced forgiveness for a long time, forgive expressly for the one who acted unfairly.  These forgivers see the depth of forgiveness and want the best for the one who behaved badly.

If forgiveness sets me free from resentment, then isn’t it the case that forgiveness is about me and not about the one who hurt me?

You need to make a distinction between what forgiveness is and what it accomplishes in you.  When you forgive, you are reaching out in mercy toward the one who was unfair to you.  As you forgive well, then one accomplishment in you as forgiver is a reduction in resentment.  That accomplishment is not the same as what forgiveness is.

My brother put up his hand when I said, “I forgive you.”  He shouted, “Stop! I do not need to be forgiven!” Should I not forgive under this circumstance?

Your brother should not dictate to you whether or not to forgive him.  If he did wrong, and you want to forgive, then you should forgive.  You can do so without proclaiming it to him.  Do so in your mind and heart, and how you respond to your brother.  Forgiveness is your choice and should not be stopped because someone else, even the offending person, insists that you should not.  Forgiveness can set you free from resentment if you choose to practice it.