Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

Forgiving Infidelity in a Marriage

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In an August 12, 2024, post on MentalHealth.com, Dana Vince reports on a married couple, Toby and Shannon, who overcame a year-long affair that Toby had with an ex-girlfriend from college.  What helped was for each of them to see the weaknesses that each brought to that year.  For Toby, he opened up about a conflicted family while growing up and being bullied in the past by peers.  He brought a feeling of inadequacy into the marriage, and when Shannon began to work long hours, his feelings of inadequacy increased.  Shannon, in their time of forgiveness, seeking forgiveness, and reconciliation, began to give more attention to the marriage so that Toby felt more of a sense of commitment on her part and on his.  Their exploring weaknesses was not to find excuses for the affair but instead to better understand each other, aid each other in their weaknesses, and increase confidence in the marriage.  It worked and they developed a qualitatively better marriage than prior to the challenging year.

Questioning the Ubiquitous Statement, “Forgiveness Is What You Do for Yourself, Not for the Other”

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In perusing the internet lately for news on forgiveness, I was faced at least occasionally with the statement in the title above.  More than a few people post this idea that forgiveness is centered on the self and not no the one who behaved unjustly.

Let’s carefully examine this statement about forgiveness for the self and see how it goes.

If forgiveness is for ourselves and not for the one who behaved unjustly, then forgiveness is not one of the moral virtues along with justice, patience, compassion, and love if it is not “for other people.” So what is it? The “for ourselves” statement limits forgiveness to a self-help psychological strategy for emotional healing. It would seem that we are free to ignore, disregard, or show no concern for the people who have wronged us if they are not included in this healing equation. To forgive, then, could be to dismiss.

Such a perspective then takes away the paradox of forgiveness. The paradox is this: As we focus on the other person and strive for empathy, compassion, and a wider view of who this person is beyond the injustice, our own hearts begin to soften toward that other person.  As the heart softens, the resentment, which is a nagging and persistent deep anger, begins to lessen.  Over time, as we focus this goodness on the other it is we ourselves, as forgivers of the other, who begin to heal.  Do you see the very large distinction between focusing on the other with a sense of goodness, which is the essence of forgiveness, and one important consequence of forgiving?  The consequence, paradoxically, is that as we strive for goodness expressly toward the other person, it is we as forgivers who heal.

We must not confuse what forgiveness is with a consequence of what forgiveness accomplishes.  Forgiveness is what we do in goodness toward the offending person.  An important consequence of such a focus on the other is that we experience emotional healing.

Because forgiveness is a heroic virtue, as you say, is this a solid rationale, do you think, for forgiveness education for children?

Yes, I do think so.  It seems to me that we need to start forgiveness education early—-to give children a chance to love through a wounded heart.  Because forgiveness is a difficult virtue, to love those who are not being loving to you, students need practice and time to learn this.  It should help them once they are adults when the storms of injustice might visit them.

Would you please post for me your view, which I have read before, regarding why you say that forgiving others is a heroic virtue?  Thank you in advance for this.

What other virtue can you name that asks you to learn to love those who have been unjust to you? There is none other than…..forgiveness. This is why forgiveness is such a heroic virtue. It asks more of you than any of the other virtues, such as romantic love or the natural love for a well-behaved child. it is easy to love a child who loves you. Forgiveness is more difficult than exercising justice.  It is usually easy to be fair to those who are fair to you. It is not easy to extend love to those who are not loving toward you.

I am a school psychologist who works with students who bully.  What advice would you have for professionals such as myself who work in this kind of context?

I have this advice: School counselors, psychologists, and social workers, please take note: When you have in front of you a student who is entrenched in rebellion, in verbal aggression, in indifference to school itself, please presume that this person of inherent worth has a wounded heart. Consider taking the time to help this student learn how to forgive, and deeply. Your “yes” to mending the wounded hearts of students in your school by helping them to forgive could, quite literally, save lives.