Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
If my friend refuses to forgive a particular person, is it my business to try to convince her otherwise?
You need to be careful with what you say to her and how you approach her on this. If you truly think it is in her best interest to forgive, you might try saying something like this: “I understand your frustration, and forgiveness is your choice. Your ‘no’ to forgiving today is not necessarily your final word on the matter. You might change your mind in weeks or months to come. Try to see forgiveness for what it is, without distorting it as some kind of ineffective response or bad because people pressure you to forgive. As you understand what forgiveness truly is and is not, be aware of any internal changes that occur within you regarding it. I am here to discuss this with you if you wish.”
My partner and I have been in somewhat rocky relationship. We have forgiven each other, but how do we know if we have deeply and truly forgiven so that we can move on well?
I would recommend the following four points as you discern whether or not you have forgiven well:
- First of all, please realize that as we forgive, not all anger or sadness is completely eliminated. You may have some residual negative feelings and that is normal.
- Second, after we forgive, we may have to forgive again because of point 1 above (not all negative affect is eliminated upon forgiving).
- Do you see your partner as a true human being? In other words, do you see that there is more to your partner than past offenses?
- Do you wish your partner well? Do you wish your relationship well? These are added themes, showing you that you have forgiven well, even if there is residual anger.
- Have you worked on reconciliation, which includes trust? Trust sometimes is earned a little at a time when there has been a serious betrayal. As the other begins to show fairness in a consistent way, trust can build, improving the relationship. Please keep in mind that forgiveness and reconciliation are distinct concepts. Forgiveness helps solidify reconciliation, allowing people to come together again in mutual trust.
2025: The 30th Anniversary of the First-Ever National Conference on Person-to-Person Forgiveness Ever Held at a University
Image by John-Mark Smith, Pexels.com
My, how time flies. It now has been 30 years since the National Conference on Forgiveness, held at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, March/April, 1995. This was the first conference on the topic of person-to-person forgiveness held on a university campus. This shows you how rare the discussion of forgiveness has been within humanity ever since its clear emergence as vital in Genesis, Chapters 37-45, in which Joseph forgave his 10 half-brothers for attempted murder and then selling him into slavery in Egypt. There are debates regarding the date of Genesis’s composition, but it appears to have been written approximately 3,000 years ago.
Think about that for a moment. History has shown us how important it is to forgive each other, and yet it took until 1995 for the first national conference on person-to-person forgiveness to emerge (unless I somehow missed such a newsworthy event from the past). That conference was filled with pioneers on the theme of people forgiving each other. For example, Desmond Tutu gave the opening remarks through an audio-recorded talk. Marietta Jaeger, a hero who forgave the murderer of her daughter, Suzy, showed us that it is possible to forgive what some might consider unforgivable. Paul Coleman and Richard Fitzgibbons, both therapists who introduced the idea of forgiveness therapy within the helping professions, offered their insights. Joanna North and Keith Yandell, both first-class philosophers, reflected on the meaning of interpersonal forgiveness. Suzanne Freedman and Julio Rique Neto, both early social scientific researchers on forgiveness, shared their views.
The conference was video-recorded, and the presentations were turned into 12 chapters for the edited book, Exploring Forgiveness, published by the University of Wisconsin Press in 1998. Some quotations from that book are as follows:
“Without forgiveness there is no future.”
(Rev. Desmond Tutu, Foreword, Exploring Forgiveness, p. xiii)
“Hatred eats away at our well-being.”
(Rev. Desmond Tutu, Foreword, Exploring Forgiveness, p. xiii)
“Forgiveness is hard work. It demands diligent self-discipline, constant corralling of our basest instincts, custody of the tongue, and a steadfast refusal not to get caught up in the mean-spiritedness of our times.”
(Marietta Jaeger, Exploring Forgiveness, p. 12)
“However justified, our unforgiveness undoes us.”
(Marietta Jaeger, Exploring Forgiveness, p. 14)
“. . . anger can be displaced for many years and erupt decades later in loving relationships with significant others. It will not be fully resolved until a conscious decision is made to let go of the desire for revenge and to forgive.”
(Richard Fitzgibbons, Exploring Forgiveness, p. 64)
“Restoring affection and regard, overcoming estrangements and alienation, accepting and welcoming others: these are the values which we should endeavor to realize in our dealings with one another.”
(Joanna North, Exploring Forgiveness, p. 34)
“So people learn to forgive, or they wither as persons . .”
(Keith Yandell, Exploring Forgiveness, p. 45)
“Forgiveness is a gift to others, not just to self.”
(Robert Enright, Suzanne Freedman, and Julio Rique, Exploring Forgiveness, p. 48)
“To forgive means to begin seeing the other in a new way, as a member of the human community rather than as evil incarnate.”
(Robert Enright, Suzanne Freedman, and Julio Rique, Exploring Forgiveness, p. 50)
It seems to me that it is well past the time to intensify the importance and practice of forgiving in our families, local communities, schools, and between communities in conflict. Do you think the peace movement would have a deeper impact if forgiveness, properly understood and practiced, became a characteristic part of peace-building? We have waited too long. Let us redeem the time by putting forgiveness right in the center of interpersonal interactions so that it can be applied forthrightly whenever conflicts seem to be heating up to such a degree as to be harmful. Forgiveness, then, practiced in such contexts could lower the interpersonal temperature and protect individuals, relationships, and communities.
One more follow-up, please. This is my sixth follow-up. There is advice floating around that to forgive is to do your own private work on yourself by reducing anger and discontent. After our exchange of ideas, this seems incorrect to me. What can be done to correct this misinformation that seems to be popular now?
A key issue is this: Always and without exception, get to know the definition of forgiveness, what it is and what it is not. An entire issue of the Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology (February 2025) was dedicated to this very issue. The central paper, which attempted a definitive definition of forgiveness based on philosophical analysis, is this:
Song, J., Enright, R.D., & Kim, J. (2025). Definitional drift within the science of forgiveness:
The dangers of avoiding philosophical analyses. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 45(1), 3-24. Note: This is the centerpiece article for a special issue on the definition of forgiveness within psychology.
doi: https://doi.org/10.1037/teo0000278
Sorry for so many questions. This is my fifth follow-up to your idea that forgiveness is a moral virtue. I have been told that I can complete forgiveness in as little as four sessions. Can I do the work involved in the personal, global, and cosmic perspectives, along with the other processes that you briefly described, in four sessions?
If you have been deeply hurt by the other person, then four sessions likely will not be sufficient. You may need 12 or more sessions because it takes time to view the person from the personal, global, and cosmic perspectives, wait for the time for your heart to soften, and then move forward with other processes as described in the book I previously suggested to you, Forgiveness Is a Choice.
