Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
When treated unfairly by others, is it reasonable to expect the one who was unfair to do something about that behavior?
There are differences among expecting the other to change, insisting on such change, and hoping for the change. If you hope the other changes, without expecting or demanding it, then you are free to forgive and to unburden yourself from resentment, even if the other person remains unrepentant. When you expect change, even though you do not demand it, you tend to wait over time for a change from the other that never comes. Through this expectation, you might not get closure regarding what happened. In other words, you might hesitate to forgive and to be unburdened until the other does something to right the wrong. If you insist on the other’s change, this is more confrontational than waiting with expectation. If you insist, then you might be trapping yourself in unforgiveness until those demands are met, which may not come. Hoping for change is leaving yourself open to a possible reconciliation with the other, but you still can go forward with unconditional forgiveness even if the other refuses to change.
Is there a distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger when a person is treated unjustly?
Yes, there is a difference. Unhealthy anger tends to be long-term, lasting many months or even years. Over time, this kind of anger can intensify, with the addition of anxiety and depression alongside the anger. In contrast, healthy anger is a short-term response to injustice. It basically is a signal to those who experienced unfairness that they should not be treated this way. It is a sign that they know right from wrong and are reacting to that wrong in the context of its recent occurrence. Healthy anger may need work, such as forgiveness, to reduce it so that it does not turn into unhealthy anger.
I really want to forgive a family member, but I don’t want to go ahead without hearing those three little words, “I am sorry.” I have read your posts about how forgiving is unconditional, and so I can go ahead whenever I am ready. Yet, isn’t it the case that if I wait for this person to apologize, I’m actually helping him see the error of his ways, repent, and change?
Yes, if you wait on forgiving, this can get the other person’s attention to see the injustice, change, and apologize. Yet, is this the only way to help the person? In other words, if you forgive, you then can approach the person with gentleness, point out the unfair behavior, and share how that behavior hurt you emotionally. Do you think that, too, might help him to feel sorry and repent?
Here is my eighth and final slogan about forgiveness: “Forgiveness is letting what happened be what it is, with a focus on the present, and thriving now.”
This suggests equating forgiveness with acceptance. Yet, forgiveness is not about focusing on the situation itself, even if it involves accepting that situation, but instead emphasizes mercy toward a person, particularly the one who was unjust to you. I would highly recommend that you consult the special issue of the Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, February 2025, in which the definition of forgiveness is examined in philosophical depth.
Here is my seventh slogan about forgiveness: “Just let it go and move on.”
You can “just let it go” because you are, even subtly, condemning the person. In other words, you could be passing a very negative judgement toward the one who offended by thinking in this way: “This person is such a low-life that there are no redeeming qualities in this person. So, I will just dismiss what happened and move on.” This is the antithesis of having mercy on a person who was unfair.
