Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
If I enter Forgiveness Therapy for my own good, to be relieved of ongoing anger and discouragement, is this selfish? If it is selfish, will this hinder my progress in this kind of therapy?
There are various goals or endpoints in the process of forgiving. For example, you might forgive for the sake of someone who has asked for forgiveness. You also might forgive simply because it is inherently good. Another reason for forgiveness is to alleviate your own anger or discouragement, which is not selfish; rather, it is a form of self-care. As an analogy, if you have torn cartilage in your knee, is it selfish to seek medical help for self-care of the knee?
What is the difference between “venting” one’s emotions to a counselor and discussing with the counselor the injustices I have suffered from others? I ask because “venting” is sometimes seen as intensifying emotions. Will discussing the unfairness intensify my emotions?
To vent is to express intense emotions. When you discuss, you are not necessarily and deliberately showing intense emotions such as anger or disgust. Your discussions can take the form of rational thought, careful expression of that thought, and controlled behavior. The venting sometimes is called “catharsis,” which at first can lead to a feeling of relief. Yet, if the emotions are not healed, which forgiveness over time can accomplish, then such venting can increase the intense emotions. Also, please keep in mind that the point of discussing the injustices in Forgiveness Therapy is toward the goal of seeing the effect the injustices have had on you so that you can reduce those effects (such as unhealthy anger, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem).
When I went to seek help from a therapist for my anxiety, he tended to focus on my current symptoms and what triggers the anxiety in the here and now. What do you think of this?
For some clients, the anxiety, in fact, is triggered by current situations that are causing stress. Yet, it is worth exploring whether or not there are injustices in your past that have made you angry and perhaps mistrustful. If this is the case, then your forgiving the people who were unfair to you may be an important step in reducing the anxiety. In other words, focusing on current symptoms and current reactions may not be sufficient to more deeply reduce the anxiety.
If people never behaved with toxic or unhealthy anger, would forgiveness even be necessary?
Research has demonstrated the psychological advantages of forgiving others, but this is not the only reason people do it. Like justice, love, and respect, forgiveness is a moral virtue, making it good in and of itself. Forgiveness can exist in your life and the lives of others as long as it is based on demonstrating virtue, whether or not there is psychological gain. To directly answer your issue, it is unlikely that the human condition in the future will consist merely in responding to injustices with mild, transient, and healthy anger. For this reason, the psychological need for forgiveness will remain.
Could you please describe to me what you mean by a “change of heart” toward someone who was cruel to me? It seems unlikely that my heart will grow softer toward him, who does not deserve this.
From the perspective of justice, the other person does not necessarily deserve your forgiveness. However, it is reasonable from the perspective of mercy to go beyond justice and treat this person kindly despite the unfair treatment you have received. Mercy transcends justice. Therefore, if you choose to be merciful toward this individual, your task is to work on seeing beyond the injustice to recognize a person who is more than the unfair behaviors. Expanding your view of him in this way can foster feelings of sympathy, empathy, and even compassion over time. This may seem unlikely to you right now, as you may not have begun your journey of forgiveness. However, if you pursue the merciful path of forgiveness, you may discover that your heart softens toward this person.
