Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
Can a person forgive too soon?
It depends on what you mean by “too soon.” Do you mean that the offended person is still angry and not ready to offer forgiveness, but uses the words, “I forgive you”? If the words are sincere, then this is a kind of promise of more forgiveness to come, such as a change of heart that is more compassionate. If the words, in contrast, are insincere and therefore are meant to deceive the other for some kind of advantage (such as to butter-up the boss), then, yes, the words are being spoken too soon. When deeply hurt by others, most of us need time to work through the process of forgiveness.
My area of study is cross-cultural differences. In some cultures, it is considered inappropriate to “give a gift” (as you suggest in your forgiveness process). It is considered inappropriate because such gift-giving is seen as a sign of superiority. So, might it be best to skip this step in your forgiveness model for some cultures?
In such cultures, as you say, it is best to give the gift in ways that respect the norms of the culture. One need not give a gift within a box all wrapped up in gift-wrap and a bow. One can be more subtle about it: a smile, paying respectful attention to the other, not speaking badly to other people about the one who hurt you. A gift is a generous and often unexpected kindness which can be done tastefully by knowing the norms of a given culture.
I am not so sure that I have forgiven. Here is my situation: Whenever I see this person, I feel pain. I do wish him well, but the pain remains. What do you think?
There is a difference between pain and unhealthy anger in which you hope that the other suffers. You say that you wish him well and this is an important part of the forgiveness process. Please keep in mind that within psychology we have a term called classical conditioning. In classical conditioning, over time we learn to associate certain people or situations with certain emotions. A mother upon holding her baby feels love. Classical conditioning links the sight or thought of the baby with love. In your case, you have linked the person with pain. You are classically conditioned to this link. As you try to associate this person who hurt you with wishing him well, a new link will forge—–seeing him and wishing him well. Be gentle with yourself on this. Classical conditioning links (such as pain and seeing the one who caused the pain) take time to dissolve.
Can a person’s pride block forgiveness? In other words, it may lead a person to “dig in” and insist on an apology.
Yes, I do think that at times pride can lead to a resistance to try forgiving those who have acted unfairly. We have to be careful, however, because some cultures and faiths require an apology prior to forgiving. If pride is blocking the forgiveness process, it might help if the person requiring the apology contemplates this question: “Are you hurting yourself by insisting on the apology? Might you be preventing yourself from reducing resentment and being set free from emotional disruption as you wait for a prior response from the other?”
When It Is Hard to Forgive: Countering Power with Self-Worth
First you need to change your view of who you are as a person if you have been stuck in unforgiveness and are discouraged. The power perspective will tell you that you are less than you should be if your loved ones reject you. Do not listen to the voice of power. It is all too easy to condemn yourself when others first condemn you. Try to counter that power perspective starting now. Who are you as a person? You are someone who has inherent worth even when you struggle in life. You are someone who is special, unique, and irreplaceable even if you have unhealthy anger in your heart. You are not a failure at forgiveness.
Remember that forgiveness is a process that takes time and patience and determination. Try not to be harsh on yourself if you are struggling with this process. How you are doing in this process today is not an indication of where you will be in this process 1 month from now. Who are you?
Excerpt from R. Enright (2015). 8 Keys to Forgiveness. New York: Norton
