Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
I did not reconcile with a partner who cheated on me. I did forgive. I then gave it much thought and concluded that this person just cannot be trusted and so I left. It has been about a year now and I am feeling guilty for leaving the relationship. Help!
Here is one way of reducing your guilt: It seems to me from your description of the issues that you did your very best. You were hurt. You forgave. You then gave it “much thought” to be sure that the other could not be trusted. You now have to work on this thought: You did your very best at the time and genuinely concluded that the other’s behavior was remaining unjust. Work on that thought. You likely will be able to go in peace because you did your best and gave yourself time to scrutinize what had happened and what likely will happen in the future.
Can there be such a thing as false reconciliation? In other words, can a person say, “Please forgive me. I will never do it again,” but then keep on doing the nonsense?
Yes, there definitely can be manipulations by some people, and a false apology is one of them. In such cases, the one hurt by the other often gets signals of insincerity coming from the other and even outright evidence of continued wrongdoing. This, of course, then makes genuine reconciliation more difficult in the future if the offending one truly repents because of the lack of trust built up during the time of false reconciliation. In other words, faking reconciliation by the offending person makes it hard for that person to receive an overture of reconciliation by the offended person in the future.
May I ask a further question about reconciliation? Suppose the one who behaved badly shows what you call the 3 R’s of remorse, repentance, and recompense. Yet, the one who was hurt does not want to reconcile. What is your advice in this circumstance?
If the one who behaved unjustly has truly changed and the one offended rejects this, it usually is the case that this latter person has not forgiven in a deep way and may need more time. This is a delicate matter in that we do not then want to put pressure on the person to forgive, but at least hold out the possibility that this will happen. Genuine forgiveness can open the door of the heart toward a true reconciliation when the offending person has changed for the better.
I would like to ask another question based on my previous one about knowing when a partner has forgiven: Is that the end of the story when they have forgiven each other? Are there additional steps to be taken after forgiveness between a couple has occurred?
An additional step is reconciliation or working on coming together again in mutual trust. In other words, has the behavior that led to the frustrations and disappointments been addressed and rectified, at least to a reasonable degree? We cannot expect perfection in the reconciliation; instead, we can expect a genuine attempt at changing the behavior.
Given our imperfect world, frustrations and disappointments are to be expected in an intimate relationship. If these injustices are not severe but more of the everyday variety, how does each member of the couple know when the forgiveness is complete?
The late Louis Smedes, in his 1984 book Forgive and Forget, said that we know we are forgiving in a reasonable way when we wish the other well. In other words, unhealthy anger that is deep and long-lasting has ended for the one who was treated unfairly.
