Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
How can I say, “I forgive you” to a system that has oppressed my people for a long time. I am a “person of color” and it is my understanding that to forgive involves a concrete, flesh-and-blood other person. This is not the case with a system.
You are correct that you are unable to say directly to a system, “I forgive you.” It sometimes is the same with concrete, “flesh and blood” other people. For example, you can forgive from your heart without words to a person who abandons you, whom you now cannot see. When you forgive a system it can be from the heart and from the actions you take toward that system. After all, systems are made up of people and people create norms that can be hurtful to some groups in that system. So, you are able to forgive the system if this is your choice. It is more abstract than forgiving one concrete, “flesh and blood” other person, but you can extend kindness and generosity to the unseen others who established and continue with unfair norms. Of course, this does not mean that you give up the quest for justice. Forgiveness and justice exist side by side.
For additional information, see How to Forgive.
I am a victim of incest. My father has died and I refuse to go to his graveside. Does this mean I am not forgiving him?
Your not going to your father’s graveside does not necessarily indicate that you have not forgiven. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you are finished with all negative emotions. Classical conditioning may be happening here in that you associate the grave with the incest and it makes you uncomfortable or anxious. Staying away under this condition is understandable. If you are doing no harm to your father in that you are not talking negatively about him to family members or others, you may be on the path to forgiving.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
My boss abruptly and without warning dismissed me from my position last week. Since then, I have had thoughts of revenge, not to actually do anything, just fantasy. Is this part of forgiveness or is this a symptom that I am unforgiving?
Fantasies of revenge show you that you are highly resentful of your boss’ actions. An initial period of anger, even intense anger, is common when there is severe injustice. The key now is what you want to do with that anger. Do you want to keep that anger and nurture it or do you want to be rid of it? If you want to be rid of it, then this may be the beginning of forgiveness.
A next step in forgiving is this: Are you engaging in forgiveness only to be done with the resentment or are you actually exercising the moral virtue of forgiveness by wishing your boss well? When you get to the point of wanting good for the boss, then you are engaging in the deep issues of forgiveness.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
My mother refuses to accept my forgiveness. I am an adult who lives away from home now. She denies any neglect even though both my brother and I carry scars from her inattention when we were growing up. My brother and I carefully have examined this issue and we are in agreement about the unfairness. How do we get my mother to see this?
It seems that your mother is in denial about what happened. Such a psychological defense mechanism can be hard to change. Your mother may need time on this. If she sees your support and unconditional love, then this may help reduce the denial. When she sees and experiences your unconditional love try—gently—bringing up one concrete instance of neglect in the spirit of forgiving. The concrete referent and the unconditional love in combination may aid your mother in breaking the denial and being open to your forgiveness of her.
For additional information, see My Mother Robbed Me of Trust.
Criticisms of Forgiveness — 5th in a series: “Women Are Controlled by Men in Forgiving”
“The self-help books target women; research sometimes targets women. Forgiveness is asking women to tolerate men’s injustice; men would not be asked to do this toward women. Therefore, forgiving is playing out the power differential in the new societal struggle (which, to Marx, belonged once to ownership and labor in industry), which is the battle of the sexes.” Lamb (2002) made this point.
The argument is helpful if clinicians and researchers focus attention on only men or only women. In actuality, however, the pioneering research and interventions have been concerned about both. For example, Al-Mabuk, Enright, and Cardis (1995) educated both college men and women in forgiving deep hurts. The first empirical study on person-to-person forgiving published in psychology included both men and women (Enright, Santos, & Al-Mabuk, 1989).
Although it is true that some self-help books are geared toward women only, most talk to both genders (see, e.g., Smedes, 1984, 1996). Our studies on participants with postabortion emotional effects (Coyle & Enright, 1997) and on those with coronary artery disease were exclusively with men. Our studies of participants in drug rehabilitation (Lin, Mack, Enright, Krahn, & Baskin, 2004) and of adult children of alcoholics (Osterndorf, Enright, Holter, & Klatt, 2011) include both men and women.
One cannot help but see a particular assumption in the argument that targeting women for forgiveness is a gender bias. The argument seems to imply that forgiving is a way for the offender to keep a sinister control over the forgiver. If forgiving led automatically to reconciliation, then the argument would have weight. We already saw, however, that forgiving an offense and reconciling with an offender are two separate issues. The argument has a false first premise, that forgiveness and reconciliation are synonymous.
If, on the other hand, forgiving is a choice freely made and, once made, releases one from a host of psychological problems, then a predominant focus on women would actually be a bias against men. In actuality, however, forgiveness therapy and research target both genders. ♥
Robert
Enright, Robert D.; Fitzgibbons, Richard P.. Forgiveness Therapy (Kindle Locations 5182-5198). American Psychological Association (APA). Kindle Edition.
