Tagged: “break free from the past”
May I ask a further question about reconciliation? Suppose the one who behaved badly shows what you call the 3 R’s of remorse, repentance, and recompense. Yet, the one who was hurt does not want to reconcile. What is your advice in this circumstance?
If the one who behaved unjustly has truly changed and the one offended rejects this, it usually is the case that this latter person has not forgiven in a deep way and may need more time. This is a delicate matter in that we do not then want to put pressure on the person to forgive, but at least hold out the possibility that this will happen. Genuine forgiveness can open the door of the heart toward a true reconciliation when the offending person has changed for the better.
I would like to ask another question based on my previous one about knowing when a partner has forgiven: Is that the end of the story when they have forgiven each other? Are there additional steps to be taken after forgiveness between a couple has occurred?
An additional step is reconciliation or working on coming together again in mutual trust. In other words, has the behavior that led to the frustrations and disappointments been addressed and rectified, at least to a reasonable degree? We cannot expect perfection in the reconciliation; instead, we can expect a genuine attempt at changing the behavior.
Given our imperfect world, frustrations and disappointments are to be expected in an intimate relationship. If these injustices are not severe but more of the everyday variety, how does each member of the couple know when the forgiveness is complete?
The late Louis Smedes, in his 1984 book Forgive and Forget, said that we know we are forgiving in a reasonable way when we wish the other well. In other words, unhealthy anger that is deep and long-lasting has ended for the one who was treated unfairly.
As a follow-up to my question on filial piety, do you think that when adult children forgive parents for harsh parenting when the adult child was young, the forgiving on the part of the adult child is false forgiveness? In other words, the adult child forces herself to forgive, and so it is not really sincere. What do you think?
If the adult child is pressured by others to forgive the parents, then this could result in a superficial forgiveness, or what you call false forgiveness. Yet, given that many who practice filial piety would not think of forgiving the parents as a usual approach, then the forgiving likely may be thoughtful and based on a free-will choice. If this is the case, then the forgiving probably is genuine.
In my culture, it is considered improper for adult children to criticize parents for stern discipline when the child was young. Would you call this a form of rigid psychological repression or suppression on the part of the adult children, in which case this norm of not criticizing is unhealthy?
You seem to be referring to the theme of “filial piety, ” a norm in some cultures. Filial piety urges the children, even as adults, to respect the parents. In my experience talking with university students who grew up with filial piety, some of them come to realize that stern discipline by the parents was necessary because of the misbehavior of the university student as a child. Yet, when this is not the case, and parents were overly harsh, I think it is fine to balance both forgiveness and filial piety. In other words, you can come to a rational conclusion that the parents were overly harsh, forgive for this, and remain respectful toward the parents now. In other words, forgiveness and filial piety can grow up together. The adult child acknowledges harsh treatment by the parent and so forgives, and at the same time, remains respectful to the parents because they are the parents.
