Tagged: “break free from the past”
If someone is unable to forgive, would you consider that to be a weakness in his character?
It takes time to become more proficient in any virtue, according to both Thomas Aquinas and Aristotle. As a result, we all have a certain “character weakness” as we are constantly working on improving our ability to forgive, or to be courageous, or to be more fair.
What does it mean to “become more proficient”? As we repeatedly exercise forgiveness and develop as forgivers, we:
1) have a deeper understanding of what forgiveness is and is not;
2) are more inclined to put it into practice even in the face of considerable grief brought on by major injustices;
3) proceed through the process more efficiently; and
4) finish the process more fully so that, after forgiving one person for one unjust incident, we feel less bitterness and more compassion.
We should be understanding of individuals who find it difficult to forgive as we are all at different stages of the forgiveness process. A person’s current struggles do not indicate a lack of moral character. Alternatively, it could imply that a person is developing in the moral virtue of forgiveness and is encountering a challenge on this particular path with a particular person. This does not imply that the person will experience difficulties with a different person or situation tomorrow. Each of us is becoming more and more proficient in this virtue as we willingly say yes to it and then practice it.
To be honest with you, I have never been a big fan of forgiveness. It is for this reason: It seems that when people forgive they are passively giving in to the other’s unfairness.
When people forgive, they should not forget about justice. Forgive and ask something of the other. Ask the person to change the behavior that you see as unfair. This can take courage and patience, which hardly are passive or a giving in to the other’s injustice.
I would like to say that forgiveness is fundamentally unfair. Why do I say this? It is because, as a person proclaims forgiveness toward another person, all that does is make the other person feel guilty. That’s not so nice—making someone else feel badly. What do you think? Can you convince me that I am wrong?
It’s true that declaring your forgiveness could make the other person feel guilty, but if the other person has done wrong, this is a very good thing. The individual may be able to change unfair behavior by feeling guilty and repenting. If you think about it, you actually are giving a gift to the other in this: You are gently helping the other to change unfair behavior. Did I convince you?
My approach to forgiveness has been this: Avoid forgiving someone who has traumatized you since it shows disregard for yourself.
You have the freedom to forgive or not after experiencing trauma. You give yourself the chance for profound psychological healing when you forgive well. Allowing yourself to heal from unhealthy anger is a form of self-regard, not disregard.
Isn’t forgiveness poisonous? I say this because it hurts the forgivers. Those who forgive are now yielding to the unjust person’s demands, and it hurts them because of the toxic connection that currently exists.
As you forgive people, you don’t have to reconcile if they mistreat you. As an exercise of free will, forgiveness is not harmful because you are not necessarily entering back into an unhealthy relationship. In other words, you can forgive from a distance. Even if you don’t end up reconciling, forgiveness can release you from bitterness.
