Tagged: “break free from the past”

I recall that there was a quotation from Aaron Beck on the back cover of your first book for mental health professionals, Helping Clients Forgive.  I no longer have that book cover.  Would you please restate Dr. Beck’s quotation for me?  It had to do with Forgiveness Therapy being stronger than Cognitive Behavioral Therapy when people are treated very unjustly by others.

Yes, I can provide that.  Here is Dr. Aaron Beck’s quote on the back cover of the book, Helping Clients Forgive, by Enright and Fitzgibbons (2000): “Anger and the wish to punish a family member or friend for past grievances often remain resistant to the most useful cognitive-behavioral approaches.  In this volume, Enright and Fitzgibbons show how forgiveness can help to finalize past resentment and allow people to lay their past grievances to rest.  This is essential reading for anyone working with patients, as well as for those people who cannot relinquish past hurts.”

I am working for a company that does not have good human relations skills.  There is a subtle sense of disrespect that pervades the work environment.  Do I forgive certain people or do I begin to forgive the company?  If you say it is the company, how do you go about forgiving such an abstract entity?

You can forgive those who specifically have hurt you.  Also, because the company is made up of persons who either explicitly or implicitly have created this norm of disrespect, you can forgive the company personnel who have established this unhealthy norm.  You can forgive these persons even if you never met them.  After all, they are persons and they have made mistakes in how they operate.  Even if this company was established 100 years ago, you can forgive those who started the company if it seems that this norm of disrespect was cultivated by them.

How can I handle another person’s apology when that person does not change?

You can try to forgive before speaking and then, as gently as you can, ask the person for change that is fair to you and to the relationship.  As you are seeing, an apology by itself can be superficial if the other does not take steps to change the behavior that was in need of the apology in the first place.

I knew it.  Forgiveness is a weakness of giving in to the other person’s unreasonable demands.  The one who is hurting me insists on my “forgiveness” so that we both can just forget all about his behavior.  It is a game of power.  Convince me that this is not true that forgiveness is a sign of weakness.

What you describe, indeed, is a power play by the other person.  He is trying to get you to acquiesce to his behavior that you find unacceptable.  This is not forgiveness.  When you forgive, you bring justice alongside the forgiveness.  In other words, you ask the person to change that which is hurting you.

FORGIVENESS IS A GIFT

Over the past 20 years, Joe Daguanno has climbed the corporate ladder at the Mid-West Family of Companies to become Chief Profit Strategist – Partner. That means he is a media, branding, and advertising professional who excels at revenue generation. He’s also a pretty good, and consistent, blogger.

What’s up in the Cosmos? is the title of Daguanno’s personal blog that he has been writing for the past dozen years. His recent Dec. 20 blog post was titled “The Gift of Forgiveness.” Here’s a brief excerpt:

Joe Daguanno, Chief Profit Strategist – Partner, Mid-West Family of Companies

Forgiveness is a gift. It’s love. It’s generosity. It’s mercy.

As we give this gift, we heal.

Holding a grudge acts like a tourniquet to the flow of healing. It closes the heart and the wounds remain open.

Real forgiveness takes strength. It takes courage. It takes honesty. It takes time.

But it’s worth it.

So very much.

Daguanno’s depth of perception about forgiveness developed several years ago when he met Dr. Robert Enright, forgiveness research pioneer and founder of the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI). That encounter led Daguanno to spearhead development of a series of public service announcements that were broadcast hundreds of time on Wisconsin Public Radio and by numerous commercial radio stations throughout the Midwest—all at no cost to the IFI.

As his title references, Daguanno is a partner in Mid-West Family of Companies—an alliance of more than 40 radio stations covering 8 separate geographic markets–all  assembled by the late Dr. William Walker and his son Thomas Walker. Dr. Walker co-founded the IFI along with Dr. Enright in 1995. Thomas Walker continues to provide the IFI with both financial and hands-on support through the Walker Family Trust.

Read Daguanno’s full Dec. 20 blog: “The Gift of Forgiveness.”