Tagged: “break free from the past”
The one I need to forgive is deceased. What good is it to forgive someone who has died?
While the other cannot benefit in any direct, physical way from your forgiveness, there are two areas of benefit for your consideration: 1) You may be able to create a positive (and truthful) view of that person, preserving a more dignified reputation for this person than might have been the case if you speak negatively about the person to others; and 2) you, yourself, as the forgiver, may find that your resentment melts and so you feel better upon forgiving.
Forgiveness seems to be a problem for people who have been traumatized. I say this because upon forgiving, the person may mistakenly assume that the relationship needs to be restored. Do you agree?
I do not agree primarily because to forgive is very different from reconciling with an abusive person. Reconciliation is not a moral virtue. Instead, it is a negotiation strategy of two or more people coming together again in mutual trust. You can forgive (being good, even from a distance, to those who are not good to you) and still not reconcile. As you say, when a person “mistakenly assumes” that the relationship needs to be restored, this is an error that needs to be corrected for the protection of the abused person.
I have followed your advice and have committed to “do no harm” to the one who hurt me. Yet, I still harbor anger toward this person. Is it possible to make this commitment to do no harm and still be angry?
Yes, a commitment to do no harm is an act of the will. Anger is an emotion. We can control the will (what we decide to think and what we will do behaviorally) more than we can control our emotions. Thus, as we conform our will to do no harm, we still might be angry.
I need to forgive four different people. Where do I start??
I recommend that you ask yourself what is your current level of anger—on a 1 to 10 scale—for each person. Order the people from the least anger you have to the greatest anger you have. Start with the one person with whom you have the least anger. This will allow you to get a sense of the forgiveness process and to practice that process before you get to the person who hurt you the most.
Is it harder to forgive someone who is frequently angry versus someone else who is not this way?
I do think it may be more difficult to forgive someone who is “frequently angry” and expresses that anger consistently to you. You may have to forgive on a daily basis if you are in regular contact with a person who is continuously angry. After you have forgiven to a deep enough level so that you can approach, in a civil way, this person, then it may be time to gently ask for justice. Part of justice is to ask this person, if you feel safe with this, to begin working on the anger so that you are not hurt by it.
