Tagged: “break free from the past”

When It Is Hard to Forgive: Countering Power with Self-Worth

First you need to change your view of who you are as a person if you have been stuck in unforgiveness and are discouraged. The power perspective will tell you that you are less than you should be if your loved ones reject you. Do not listen to the voice of power. It is all too easy to condemn yourself when others first condemn you. Try to counter that power perspective starting now. Who are you as a person? You are someone who has inherent worth even when you struggle in life. You are someone who is special, unique, and irreplaceable even if you have unhealthy anger in your heart. You are not a failure at forgiveness.

Remember that forgiveness is a process that takes time and patience and determination. Try not to be harsh on yourself if you are struggling with this process. How you are doing in this process today is not an indication of where you will be in this process 1 month from now. Who are you?

Excerpt from R. Enright (2015). 8 Keys to Forgiveness.  New York: Norton

My motivation to forgive is to be free of anger.  Is this a legitimate motive for forgiveness?  I ask because, if forgiveness is a moral virtue, shouldn’t my motivation be for the good of the other person who hurt me?

You are correct that as a virtue, forgiveness needs to be for the other.  Yet, it takes time to develop a motivation of goodwill toward someone who was cruel.  There is nothing dishonorable about having, as one’s initial motivation, a desire for self-preservation.  To use a physical analogy, if your knee is hurting, is it selfish to seek medical help?  If our heart is broken, is it selfish to try to mend that broken heart?  An initial focus on self that changes to a concern for the other is a typical pathway for growing in the virtue of forgiveness.

My father passed away about a year ago and I still have some unfinished business with my anger toward him.  Can a person forgive someone who has passed away and if so, how do I go about this?

Yes, people can forgive those who have passed away.  I have written an essay on this for Psychology Today.  Here is a link to that essay:

Can You Forgive a Person Who Has Died?

So, how do I get over my anger if I no longer see the person?  I cannot exactly vent toward this person.  What do you suggest?

If you choose to forgive, that other person need not be present to you.  You can begin, when you are ready, to see the inherent worth in that person.  This takes time, but over time this can reduce your anger.

I tend to have a sympathetic nature.  This kind of worries me because when I forgive might I just give in to others’ demands?

As you forgive, it is important to realize that you can and should ask for fairness from those whom you forgive.  If you keep in mind the teamwork of forgiving and seeking justice, then this should be a safeguard against giving in to others’ demands.