Tagged: “break free from the past”

So Then, What Is a Good Society?

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I wrote a similar essay to this one 13 years ago on this very site.  Sadly and tragically, little has changed in that lengthy time period.  Societies are not listening and we are reaping the consequences of intemperate anger, unrestrained rage, and innocent lives lost. Let us continue with the ideas expressed here in 2012.

Peter Maurin of the Catholic Worker Movement is alleged to have said that a good society is one in which it is easy to be good. I write this blog post today as I reflect on some recent news stories of school shootings resulting in the deaths of innocent students and adults. I reflect on the killing of Charlie Kirk and the widening divide between political groups in the United States. Is it not obvious that anger is growing and at times knows no bounds? Anger can sometimes be deadly for those who just happen to be in the angry person’s way or who hold different beliefs than the shooter.

I wonder what those outcomes would have been if those with the weapons were bathed in forgiveness education from age 5 though 18. I wonder what those outcomes would have been if each one of the weapon-carriers, as they grew up, deliberately practiced forgiveness in school, on the playground, and in the home, and then continued the forgiving into adulthood. I wonder.

One key issue of forgiveness, and this takes time to develop, is to begin seeing the inherent worth of all people, including those with whom we disagree or at whom we are angry. What if the school shooters saw that deep, invaluable inherent worth in those at whom the gun was pointed? Could someone immersed in the understanding of the inherent worth of all people pull the trigger? What if the one who shot Charlie Kirk, despite wide differences in beliefs, saw his inherent worth. Could he have pulled the trigger?

What about us, who are observing all of this? For those of you who were dancing at the announcement of Mr. Kirk’s passing, can you honestly say that you saw and continue to see the inherent worth of the man? If not, perhaps you need to deliberately cultivate forgiveness in your life, starting with the little things of everyday life that annoy you so that you can begin to grow in this virtue.

For those of you who now deeply mourn Mr. Kirk’s passing, can you say that you see the inherent worth of the shooter? I am not saying, “Do you now excuse the killing?” No. Instead, I am asking if, in spite of the murder, can you see the humanity in the one who pulled the trigger? Such a view takes time and this is why, if you had years of forgiveness education, then you might be brought to such an understanding of him more deeply and more quickly so that you do not now even unconsciously cultivate a rage that could harm you or even be passed unintentionally to your loved ones. Forgiveness can help prevent that. Perhaps it is time for you who read this to begin growing in the heroic moral virtue of forgiveness for the sake of your family members and friends.

The wounds in the world are deep and everlasting, it seems. What we do here at the International Forgiveness Institute, Inc. (helping people if they so choose to learn to forgive and then practice forgiveness) will never be out of date. Yet, my big worry (yes, it is a big worry) is this: Will there be sufficient laborers in the forgiveness vineyard to bring the virtue of forgiveness to children so that they can become fortified against the grave injustices that come to too many too often as adults? Can we help them sustain the practice of this moral virtue so that it becomes part of their identity, part of who they are as persons?  Can we assist them with this growing in forgiveness so that their anger does not explode out of the barrel of a gun?

I worry about those 6-year-olds, sitting now in classrooms, learning their mandated ABCs, without also learning the ABCs of how to deal with injustice. You see, society is not emphasizing forgiveness. We are not being taught forgiveness on a regular basis. We are in a society where it is not easy to be a good forgiver. And so too many who become confused, frustrated, angry, and then filled with rage do not know how to temper these emotions before they are discharged onto unsuspecting others.

I know of no society which has deliberately decided to create a norm that to forgive is good. Instead, forgiveness remains deep in the heart of some people, not most, as society moves along with its norms of justice alone. So, then, what do societies do when rage erupts, overflows, and hurts others? We send in the law enforcement officers **after the mayhem.** Do you have any idea regarding how we might **prevent** the rage by encouraging forgiveness and how forgiveness and justice can and should work hand-in-hand?   

Society, what do you think? It is more than time to bring forgiveness into societies so that it can take up residence in individual hearts for the good of the self and others as people then strive for a temperate and good justice. It is time.

I have to admit that I get confused when I read the journal articles on forgiveness. The confusion primarily centers on the definition of forgiveness.  It seems that no two authors can agree on what forgiving actually means. Can you help me sort this out so that I can settle on a comprehensive definition of forgiveness that makes sense?

Yes, I do understand your dilemma as you read journal articles on forgiveness. We now have an entire issue of the Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology (published in February 2025) in which we explore from both a philosophical and psychological perspective the definition of forgiveness. I hope the narrative in the first article of that special issue helps you to discern the accurate definition of forgiving.

Which of your self-help books would you recommend if I want to forgive myself?

In the book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness, one of the eight keys is self-forgiveness.  In that chapter, I discuss the controversies surrounding self-forgiveness and offer advice on proceeding with it if the reader is ready to do so.

Forgiveness Therapy for Battered Women in Pakistan

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A recent study led by Sana Nisar of the Government College University, Lahore, Pakistan found that a forgiveness intervention for 15 sessions, done one-on-one with the intervener, was effective. Following the intervention, those in the forgiveness condition, relative to those in the control group, had significant decreases in depression, anxiety, and anger and significant increases in forgiveness and hope relative to those in the control group.  The reference to this work is this:

Nisar, S., Yu, L., Ifikhar, R., & Enright, R.D. (2025). Forgiveness therapy to build hope and reduce anxiety and depression in battered women in Pakistan. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy.doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1002/cpp.70089

What is the difference between your two books, Forgiveness Is a Choice and The Forgiving Life?

Forgiveness Is a Choice works the reader through forgiving one person who acted unjustly against the reader. The Forgiving Life goes more deeply in that it encourages the person to continue practicing forgiveness toward all the people who have offended the reader, from childhood to the present time. The point is to wipe the slate clean regarding any resentments toward anyone who has been cruel to the reader. The Forgiving Life book has as a goal the development of a love of the virtue of forgiveness through making it a part of one’s life.