Tagged: “break free from the past”

This is what forgiveness is not. . .

A newly-released video interview with forgiveness expert Dr. Robert Enright called “This is what forgiveness is not” is now available to view at no cost on the website Inner Change.

The 3 min. 22 sec. video was recorded by a film production studio based in Switzerland that has cinematic staff in the US and more than a dozen other countries around the world. It is one of 13 short video segments that Inner Change has recorded with Dr. Enright and which it will release over a 2-year period. Thus far, five of the Dr. Enright interviews have been made available:

Dr. Robert Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute.

• This is what forgiveness is not – Dr. Enright outlines four aspects of what forgiveness is not:
  •  It is not excusing or condoning.
  •  It is not forgetting but remembering in new ways.
  •  It does not necessarily mean reconciliation although it could happen if the other becomes trustworthy.
  •  When you forgive, you do not throw justice away, you bring it alongside. 
• The Essence and Definition of Forgiveness (2 min. 15 sec.) – In this interview, Dr. Enright defines forgiveness from an interdisciplinary, cross-cultural, and interfaith perspective that basically includes what Socrates would call the “essence” or “core” of forgiveness.
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• How I Became Involved in Forgiveness Studies (4 min. 16 sec.) – Dr. Enright explains how after years of studying moral development at the behest of his employer, the University of Wisconsin-Madison, he asked himself, “What might make a difference in the world in people’s lives?” The answer he came up with in 1985 was “the virtue of forgiveness” which he saw as a way to heal from the injustices we all face.
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• The Two Paradoxes of Forgiveness (1 min. 0 sec.) – In this brief segment, Dr. Enright outlines the two paradoxes (apparent contradictions that are not contradictions) of forgiveness: 1) by forgiving, you are giving unexpected goodness to the person who hurt you; and, 2) in the process, you become stronger and emotionally healed.
• Learning to Forgive in the Small Things (3 min. 19 sec.) – By practicing forgiveness with the smaller hurts in your life, what Dr. Enright calls “exercising your forgiveness muscles,” you can become forgivingly fit and more easily handle the larger injustices in life.

The Inner Change website includes interviews with psychologists, spiritual teachers, activists, and neurologists. Those interviews are part of the website’s “Peace Video Library” where visitors can “discover what it means to be fully human, what resources we all share,  how we can tap into our full potential as humans.” Other website features include musical meditation segments following each video and a collection of more than 30 music videos all with original songs recorded at Chernobyl (the site of the 1986 nuclear power plant disaster in the Soviet Union) and the nearby ghost town of Prypiat in Northern Ukraine. 

My Forgiveness Commitment

I have made a commitment to forgive members of my family who have hurt me psychologically many times. They may be sociopathic, complicating forgiving. However, making the choice to forgive starts the process and realizing forgiveness is a process is for me at least essential to “hang in there”. I say to myself, ‘ My positive intention is to forgive.’ This seems to help as I know I’m on a hero’s journey to courageously forgive. Which gives me my power back. The power over how I feel.

Gary Manzo 

What questions can I ask myself to determine whether or not I have been treated unjustly?

I would recommend these questions to ask yourself:

Does your conscience convince you that what the other did was wrong?

If so, try to label what was unjust.  Then try to label the extent of the injustice — Is it a minor issue or a more serious issue?

Further, ask yourself this: Am I denying my own part in this?  In other words, did I push this person to anger?  This does not justify harsh behavior on the part of the other, but it may reduce the degree to which you label the behavior as deeply unjust or not.

Still further, are you denying the culpability on the part of the other?  In other words, sometimes we enable bad behavior by not wanting to confront the person or challenge the person to change.  Is this happening to you?  If so, then perhaps the injustice is more serious than you are admitting right  now.

I am a mental health professional.  Some people want a quicker fix than what your Process Model offers.  Can you recommend a brief therapy instead?

Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it is not possible to artificially push it into a traditional psychological set of techniques that might lead to quick forgiveness.  If the injustice is serious against your client and the hurt deep within that client, then time and practice definitely are recommended. It will be worth the effort because we find that traditional psychological techniques are not a substitute for a true struggle to grow in this heroic moral virtue.  A meta-analysis by Aktar and Barlow show statistically that longer periods of time in forgiving (12 and even more sessions) are more effective than short-term therapy of 4-6 sessions.  Here is a reference to that meta-analysis:

Akhtar, S., & Barlow, J. (2018). Forgiveness therapy for the promotion of mental well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 19(1), 107-122.

Is indifference toward the person who hurt me considered something negative in the forgiveness process?  I am feeling indifferent.  In the past, the feeling was much more negative than this.

Indifference is not a moral virtue and so it is not what forgiveness is. Yet, feeling indifference may be a transition out of hatred.  If you had deep anger or hatred and now you are indifferent toward the one who hurt you, then you are making progress in forgiving. There is more to your forgiveness journey than this.  Why?  It is because the one who hurt you is a person and all persons can be treated with kindness, respect, generosity, and even love.  So, I urge you to stay on your important forgiveness journey.  Please be encouraged because it seems that you are making progress.