Tagged: “break free from the past”
I am forgiving my husband for some really inappropriate behavior. Even so, I cannot say that I feel any sense of freedom from all of my effort. Does this mean that I have not forgiven?
We do not necessarily reach complete feelings of freedom upon forgiving because we sometimes have anger left over. As long as the anger is not controlling you, and as long as you are not displacing that anger back onto your husband, then you very well may be forgiving or at least in the process of moving toward forgiving. Has he altered the behavior that you say is inappropriate? Sometimes there is the unfinished business of seeking justice toward a full reconciliation. You might need to talk with him about the behavior and if he willingly changes, then this may help with your sense of freedom.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
Have you changed anything about yourself since studying forgiveness?
I think I have become much more attuned to the suffering of others. I now try to see beneath the surface of others to their inner world, particularly the woundedness that others carry silently within them, and I think there is a great deal of this woundedness in the world.
For additional information, see Choose Love, Not Hate.
I never met my father, who abandoned the family before I was born. I wonder now: How can I take a perspective on him, given that I have never met him?
You might start by asking your mother about him: What does she know about his upbringing? What does she know of how others treated him so badly that perhaps his trust was damaged? Also, you do not have to know someone personally to ask this: Is this person a human being as I am? What do we have in common as part of our shared humanity? Does he possess inherent worth as I do? You can do a lot of this kind of cognitive work without knowing the specifics of a person’s life.
For additional information, see Inherent Worth.
What is one very surprising thing you have learned about forgiveness?
One surprise is how angry some people can get when the word forgiveness is mentioned. I find that this happens especially when the one so angered has been treated very badly by others. The person then sees forgiveness as possibly dangerous (because it is seen as giving in to the other’s manipulations) and morally inappropriate (because the person thinks that one has to receive justice before forgiveness occurs). Another surprise I have found, by studying forgiveness scientifically, is how powerful it is in restoring psychological health when the person has been devastated by the injustice.
Learn more at Forgiving is not. . .
I have noticed in some of the more recent posts here, you have been discussing the theme of taking a cognitive perspective on the person who has hurt me. How do I gain this cognitive perspective on myself if I want to forgive myself?
A key here is to apply these new thinking perspectives, which you have offered to others as you forgive them, now to yourself. For example, try to see that you have inherent (built-in) worth, not because of what you did that was offensive, but in spite of this. Try to see that you share a common humanity with others. While not excusing behavior in need of change, try to see that you are much more than those behaviors. As you engage in this kind of thinking, this may help you to forgive yourself.
For additional information, see Self-Forgiveness.
