Tagged: “break free from the past”

You say that we should not have excessive or toxic anger. Is some anger ok to have as I forgive? If so, how do I know how much is too much?

The keys to distinguishing healthy and unhealthy anger are these:

1. Are you in control of that anger or is it controlling you (with a strong temper, for example, or making you and others miserable)?  If you are in control, this is good.

2. Has the anger continued for weeks or longer?  If so, it likely is unhealthy anger.

3. Are others giving you feedback that your anger is inappropriate?  If this message comes from a reliable source, then it may be time to reflect on that anger possibly being unhealthy.

Learn more at What is Forgiveness?

Does forgiveness start with bearing the pain so that pain is not cast onto others?

Bearing the pain is part of the forgiveness process, but it is not the start of that process because bearing the pain is difficult for most people.  The beginning of forgiveness is to understand clearly what forgiveness is and is not.  To forgive is to make a deliberate choice to be good to those who are not good to you.  To forgive is not to excuse the behavior, to abandon justice, or to automatically reconcile if the other’s behavior is dangerous for you.  Once the person understands what forgiveness is, I recommend a step prior to bearing the pain: Commit to doing no harm to the one who hurt you.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.

What is the difference between “not taking it seriously” and forgiving?

To “not take it seriously” implies neutrality.  When we forgive we never are neutral regarding the person who hurt us.  We are hurt because what happened matters (for fairness) and whom the person is matters (because we share a common humanity).  Thus, forgiveness is linked to: a) expecting fairness; b) having a sense of respect and even love toward the other; and c) self-respect and love.  None of this is neutral and should be taken seriously.  The key in forgiveness is not letting what matters destroy us or the other.

Learn more at Forgiving is not. . .

As people start to practice forgiveness, it seems to me that they often develop in humility, too. I am wondering what your view is on this.

Yes, I do see that as people develop in the virtue of forgiveness that they often grow in humility.  Humility is not something to be condemned, as the 19th century philosopher Nietzsche seemed to do.  Humility is not a quality of allowing oneself to become a doormat for others.  Instead, it is a stance of not thinking of oneself as superior, or trying to continually win regarding one’s relationship with others.  Humility is seeing that one is neither superior or inferior to others, but instead that we all have built-in worth.  Forgiveness fosters this idea that all people have worth, including those who have acted unfairly toward the forgiver.  Thus, humility and forgiveness share this common view of all people.

For additional information, see:  Learning to Forgive Others.

Is it possible to forgive someone who is deceased? If so, what would the forgiveness look like?

Yes, you can forgive someone who is deceased. Forgiveness includes thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. One can think of the other person as possessing inherent (unconditional) worth. One can cultivate feelings of compassion for the person, not because of what he or she did, but in spite of this. Even behaviors can be a part of the forgiveness. For example, one might donate to the deceased person’s favorite charity. One might say a kind word about the deceased to family members. Depending on one’s religious beliefs, the forgiver can offer a prayer for the one who died.

For additional information, see: Forgiveness Defined.