Tagged: “break free from the past”
I have forgiven my partner but at times I get angry about what she did to me. How can I avoid these feelings and forgive permanently?
As the late Lewis Smedes used to say, forgiveness is an imperfect activity for imperfect people. Even if anger surfaces occasionally, please do not grow discouraged. You can forgive again and it likely will take less time than previously and lead to better results. The idea of “permanent” forgiveness is not necessarily going to happen in all people for all circumstances. Having some anger left over happens to many people, especially when the injustice is deep. So, please be gentle with yourself and please do not expect absolute perfection as you grow in the moral virtue of forgiveness.
For additional information, see Forgiveness for Couples.
What are the different meanings to the word “forget” when we say, “Forgive and forget”?
I think people usually mean this: Do not let the previous injustice get in the way of your relationship now. It does not means this: Do not remember the other person’s weaknesses so that you are vulnerable to continued injustices. In other words, “forget” means this: Remember in new ways, without deep anger, and watch your back.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
What is a healthy way of expressing anger?
A good way to start is by asking this question to yourself: “How will my specific way of expressing anger affect the other person(s) who are present when I express it?” In other words, your expression has an effect not only on you but on others. If you keep this in mind, your expression of that anger may be more temperate and thus not emotionally injure those who are present.
For additional information, see What Is Forgiveness?
Politics are coming between my partner and me. We have very different views. I tell him, over and over, that I respect him as a person even though I disagree with his political positions. It is not working. He is angry with me for not seeing the world his way. Help! What do I do?
You can start by forgiving your partner for insisting that you change your political views. This will not suffice to quell the conflict. Once you forgive, and your exasperation lessens, try to have a heart-to-heart talk. Be honest, and gentle, as you communicate your frustration with his insistence. Try to reach reconciliation by talking out specific ways in which both of you can respect each other as persons even with political differences. It will take time and effort, but may work.
For additional information, see Forgiveness for Couples.
Syrian children have watched their parents die or have assisted in carrying out their parents’ bodies. What would you advise for these children?
We first have to realize that forgiveness belongs to those who rationally conclude that they have been wronged. Even if others say, “You have no right to forgive because there is no injustice here,” this does not mean that the children now are frozen in their decisions to forgive. Some, perhaps the majority, of children who have such a traumatic experience, may develop severe resentment. This resentment could destroy their lives in the future, even in the distant future because the damaging effects of resentment may not be manifested for years. So, if there is the poison of resentment and if the children, as they grow up, decide to forgive, they should do so. A question is whether they are able to identify specific people to forgive or whether they will end up forgiving a system and which system that will be.
For additional information, see Healing Hearts, Building Peace.
