Tagged: “break free from the past”

You say that one reason why forgiving is good is because it could get the attention of the one who acted wrongly. Yet, what if the forgiveness never does get the other’s attention? It then seems to me that you have wasted your time in forgiving.

Forgiving when properly understood and willingly chosen to practice is never a waste of time. This is the case because, as a moral virtue, forgiveness is good in and of itself. In other words, when a person finds the strength and courage to be respectful, kind, generous, and even loving toward other people, even when they behave badly, this is a heroic act. Of course, we have to make a distinction here between forgiving and reconciling. Automatic reconciliation which could be dangerous for the forgiver is not wise. To unconditionally forgive, offering goodness while “watching one’s back,” is good because all moral virtues are good.

For additional information, see: Why Forgive?

Thank you for answering my earlier question about the advantages of forgiveness. It seems to me that if a person forgives to feel better, that is just a selfish move. It is all about “me.” So, I still am skeptical.

There is a difference between a selfish act and a self-serving act. A selfish act tends to ignore others’ legitimate needs. For example, Person A takes Person B’s money so that Person A can gamble with it. This deprives Person B of those funds that rightfully belong to Person B. In contrast, suppose Person A has to break a date with Person B because Person A hurt his knee and has to go to an Urgent Care facility for treatment. This is not selfish, but a healthy self-serving activity because of the damaged knee. There is no intention of depriving anyone, as was the case with our gambling example.

Forgiving to rid the self of excessive anger or depression is not depriving others of anything. It is self-serving because of the hurting heart that needs rehabilitation. Forgiving for this reason is not necessarily the exclusive reason people use when forgiving, but sometimes it is the place people start because they are so hurting inside. Forgiveness is good medicine for such hurts and so is not selfish in this context.

For additional information, see: How Forgiveness Can Change Your Life.

There is so much talk about forgiveness these days. I can’t see the advantages to forgiving. Can you convince me otherwise?

Advantages to forgiveness:

• Social scientific experiments since 1993 have shown that as people take the time to forgive, they can increase in hope and self-esteem and decrease in anger, anxiety, and depression.
• Forgiveness might get the attention of the one who did wrong, leading to that person’s seeking forgiveness.
• Forgiving and seeking forgiveness can open the door to a genuine reconciliation.
• As a moral virtue, forgiveness is good in and of itself because it is the offer of goodness. This goodness is not made less good if the other rejects that offer of forgiveness.
• Forgiveness puts more love in the world.

So, what do you think? Do you see advantages to forgiveness or do you remain skeptical?

For additional information, see: Why  forgiveness is the right thing to do physically, spiritually and socially.

Would you please explain what you mean by “wishing the person well” in the context of forgiving someone?

When you “wish the other well” you are not necessarily planning to go to the person and proclaim that you have forgiven (at least not yet).  You are not necessarily planning (at least for now) to reconcile with the person.  Instead, you are engaging in a cognitive exercise in which you hope that the one who hurt you does well in life, even if that person is doing well in life without a relationship with you.  For example, you want the person to have a good job.  You hope the person has good health.  The point is this:  Your thoughts about the person are not condemning ones but instead are positive thoughts for the person’s well-being.

Learn more at How to Forgive.

About three years ago, I forgave my father for abandoning the family when I was just a child, 6-years-old.  Now that I am grown and the pressure is off of him to parent me, here he comes and asks my forgiveness.  To be honest with you, I think it is too late to hear his point of view.  What do you think?

You have forgiven your father for his abandoning your family and you.  I think you now have another situation in which you might consider forgiving your father for coming to you now, as you say, after the pressure is off for his parenting you.  Forgiveness, as you know, is your choice.  Given that you already have forgiven him for his past behavior, you now know the forgiveness pathway for forgiving him for his current issue.  Please keep in mind that he may have a lot of remorse and guilt.  He may not be asking for your forgiveness only because the pressure now is off.  If you see his possible remorse and even anguish, it may help you in your decision to forgive.

For additional information, see 8 Keys to Forgiveness.