Tagged: “break free from the past”

Forgiveness Gives Light

Image by Pixabay, Pexels.com

I was surprised this past summer when I read negative commentaries about forgiveness coming from major media outlets. As I argued on August 21, 2024 within this blog site, those criticizing forgiveness were misunderstanding what it is, confusing it, for example, with automatic reconciliation or being pressured into it as a norm that makes people miserable.

In this essay, I would like to take a different approach. Instead of dwelling on the darkness of misunderstanding, I would like to consider what forgiveness actually is when freely chosen and embraced by those who have been poorly treated.

Let us start with an analogy. We are in a dark room, and it is hard to see anything at all. In comes a little child who goes over to a bureau, picks up a candle, and carries it to you along with a match. “Would you light this candle for me, please?” the child requests. As you strike the match and unite it with the candle’s wick, all of a sudden there is bright light where there was darkness. You can see the smiling child clearly. You can see the paintings on the wall and the soft furniture, welcoming you to sit down and relax.

Forgiveness is like the lighted candle. At first, our hearts seem darkened by the injustices we suffer. That darkness almost seems as if it will be part of our identity, a part of who we are as persons. Yet, when we forgive, we offer goodness to those who have not been good to us. We offer them the light of a second chance. We offer them a view that they have worth despite what they did. We offer them light.

At the same time, and our science shows this over and over, as a person willingly and patiently gives this light of forgiveness to others, the darkness in one’s own heart fades, and the light of love can and does replace it. As that light shines onto the offending other person, it also finds its way into the hearts of our loved ones as we no longer displace our anger, our darkness, onto them.

As we give the light of forgiveness to others, that light can remain in their hearts and gives them a chance to pass that light of love to even more people. Have you ever thought of forgiveness this way? As you give the light of goodness to others, your light can be passed from one person to another, even from one generation to another. That one candle, lit in one dark room, can continue to shine across time and into many hearts.

Forgiveness is not the darkness of forced reconciliation or forced and phony empathy. When fostered and given freely to others, it is one of the most extraordinary forms of humanity.

Welcome to the light of forgiveness. May your light of forgiveness shine this Thanksgiving weekend…..and well beyond that to others.

To be honest with you, I am kind of skeptical about practicing empathy toward the person who was deeply unfair to me.  Here is what I mean: If I see his emotional struggles, his confusion, and his pain, I may begin to say to myself, “Oh well, under this circumstance, I can let the circumstance go and just forget about it.”  Empathy, in other words, lets the other person off the hook.  What do you think?

When we forgive, we start with this assumption: What the other person did to me was unfair, is unfair, and always will be unfair.  Our forgiveness of the other does not excuse what was done.  We can be kinder to the person even though the actions were unjust and will remain so.  This makes forgiveness a very special moral virtue because we are doing our best to be good to those who are not good to us.

When we forgive, does our anger characteristically go away completely?

The answer depends on the depth of the hurt and who hurt us.  If we are profoundly hurt, for example, by a spouse who is supposed to be good to us, even when we forgive, some residual anger can remain.  In this circumstance, you might consider persevering in forgiving even when you sense that you have forgiven well.  Some residual anger is not an indication that you are unforgiving.  As the late Lewis Smedes said in his book, Forgive and Forget (1984), we are all imperfect forgivers.  Therefore, all anger will not necessarily fade in the circumstance of serious injustice.  The good news is that the anger no longer will be controlling you, but you will be in control of your anger.

Forgiving seems kind of superficial to me.  No offense, but if I am asked to just quietly let the past stay in the past and move on, that seems hard to do when I want to get the person who hurt me to change.

Forgiveness is not the same as moving on from the past. Forgiveness, as a moral virtue (as are justice, kindness, and patience), is doing one’s best to be good to those who have not been good to us.  The focus is on the person, not the event of injustice itself.  As we begin to see the humanity in the one who hurt us, the unjust event begins to have less influence on our emotions.  We sometimes can move on from the event if we do the work of seeing the worth in the other person, commit not to do even subtle harm to this person, and offer goodness of some kind when we are ready.

My mother was quite abusive when I was growing up.  She hurt me very much.  I am trying to forgive her, but it really is hard because mothers are supposed to nurture us, not abuse us.  Do you have any advice for me in this difficult situation?

Yes, I have an essay on the Psychology Today website discussing healing and forgiving from “the mother wound.”  You will see if you read it that you are not alone.  Over 190,000 people viewed this post.  Here it is:

Aiding Daughters in Healing From the “Mother-Wound”