Tagged: “Consequences of Forgiving”
I wanted to share an experience with you and get your insights. I have been practicing forgiveness lately, particularly toward one of my parents when I was a child. This past weekend, I was at a family function and a cousin said that I did not belong there. Usually, this would make me enraged, but this time, it did not deeply affect me. Yes, I was angry, but I was able to stay. Why do you think this unusual behavior by me occurred this weekend?
I think you are learning to forgive in a more generalized way than only applying forgiveness toward one of your parents for what happened when you were a child. In other words, your practice of forgiving is generalizing to others, and this is a sign of maturing in the practice of forgiving. Aristotle said that a mark of maturing in the moral virtues is to develop a love of those virtues. Do you think this is happening to you, in that you are developing a love of forgiveness? If so, then it is understandable that you may have been applying the moral virtue of forgiving toward your cousin who insulted you. If that is the case, then you likely, in the future, will begin to forgive more and more people when they are unjust to you.
If a person denies the injustice that happened to him, is it possible for the trauma to continue to exist in his subconscious? Could this be what is the root of some people’s depression?
When a person is in denial from a serious injustice, then the effects of that injustice can still very much live within the person. As you say, there may be a subconscious acknowledgement of the trauma which can increase anger. The effects of the trauma also can include fatigue, feeling unsafe, and displacing anger onto other people. These effects of the trauma can work in the person’s favor in this way: The person likely will be able to see and acknowledge at least some of these effects such as fatigue and anxiety. These discomforts can open up discussion about the causes of them, which eventually can lead back to a conscious (rather than a subconscious) acknowledgement of the trauma. Once the person acknowledges the trauma, then a discussion of forgiving the other person for that trauma might commence.
How can I be assured that, if I forgive, I will no longer experience negative emotions such as anger?
Forgiving others who acted unjustly does not automatically end negative feelings. Our research shows that anger and other negative emotions can lessen, even in a strong way, but the negative emotions can resurface. For example, you might have a dream about the person and you awaken with anger. Yet, I have found that as people forgive, the anger reduces and becomes more manageable. So, you should expect some relief from intensive anger, but because we are all imperfect people, some residual negative emotions may be present, at least at times.
How can parents help children to forgive their divorce when the parents say different things about why they divorced?
I think the key is for the parents first to realize that the children are now vulnerable because of the divorce and because of what led to the divorce. With that in mind, the parents need to be careful in not letting their own anger at their former spouse lead to a competition for the children’s affection. In other words, each spouse needs to be careful not to paint a very negative picture of the other to the children. After all, both still are parents to the children and so the divorced adults need to preserve the personhood of the other spouse to the children. This is not easy especially when deep resentment is present. Therefore, it may be best if the spouses first forgive each other and then be aware that the children should not become victims of resentment by the parents disparaging the other spouse to the children. When ready, the custodial parent might consider helping the children to forgive by first apologizing to the children for this family challenge of divorce.
In Memoriam – Archbishop Desmond M. Tutu
Editor’s Note: Archbishop Desmond M. Tutu, the Nobel Peace Prize-winning Anglican cleric who helped end apartheid in his native South Africa, died Sunday at the age of 90. Called the “Man of Forgiveness” by The New York Times, Archbishop Tutu worked closely for many years with Roy Lloyd, President of the International Forgiveness Institute’s Board of Directors. Here are Dr. Lloyd’s reflections on his years with the incomparable Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu was a person of immense generosity, joy and courage and I was privileged to call him a friend. Desmond and I knew each other, over many years, through anti-apartheid work including sanctions against South Africa, divestment efforts and protests. I also was privileged to spend a considerable amount of time with him when he was in New York City at General Theological Seminary as a scholar in residence. Later on, when he was speaking and teaching at Emory University in Atlanta, he and I produced TV and radio spots enlisting aid for those suffering so horrifically in the Kosovo conflict. This was entirely in character. For him, caring meant acting, not just talking about it.
This was a man who stood on principle, calling out oppression of every kind, albeit with a generosity of spirit, decency and respect. Desmond believed that when people can come face-to-face with each other to speak the truth with sincerity, then it is possible to achieve closure and a more equitable outcome.
That was certainly at the heart of his leadership of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa that brought together perpetrators of violence facing people who had been persecuted. An open atmosphere was created in which participants could confess what they had done or be candid about what they had endured. The desired result of mutual responsibility for moving forward in a more positive way was achieved by facing reality, while not denying justice. Those responsible for their actions received whatever penalty was necessary. Yet, that wasn’t the end of the story. Those who were sincere in their confession were forgiven and welcomed into a higher level of meaning in interracial relationships.
It was through a commitment to these kinds of meaningful endeavors that Desmond and I became involved in the initial days of the International Forgiveness Institute. Desmond declared, at our first national conference, the message that drove his lifelong ministry: “Without forgiveness there is no future.”
This is the central message of the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI).
Forgiveness is an opportunity to accept that gift for ourselves, liberating us from whatever harm we have experienced and the freedom to offer it to others. Desmond knew well that this doesn’t necessarily lead to reconciliation or to the denial of justice. Those who commit harm deserve a just penalty. However, through forgiveness the equation is vastly changed. A never-ending problem of harm that challenges us can become an opportunity for growth, renewal and regeneration of life.
The Archbishop was someone who was effervescent in personality, continually joyous and always with a twinkle in his eye. This was a hero who was continually committed to walking the hard road to achieve the common good. I always found him to be looking forward rather than backward. As the saying goes, he always had his eye on the prize.
“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”
Archbishop Desmond Tutu
I firmly believe that Desmond Tutu provided a template for how all of us can lead a meaningful existence—one that celebrates the bonds of our humanity and grants to each we meet our thoughtfulness, consideration and esteem.
We at the International Forgiveness Institute pay homage to this marvelous man and are honored by his years of commitment to forgiveness and as an honorary IFI board member.
Roy Lloyd
President, Board of Directors
International Forgiveness Institute
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Endnotes:
- Before his death, Archbishop Tutu had served as an Honorary Member of the International Forgiveness Institute Board of Directors for more than 25 years.
- In 1995, Archbishop Tutu provided the opening remarks (by recorded audio) at the historic international forgiveness conference hosted by the IFI and held at the University of Wisconsin-Madison–the first academic forgiveness conference ever held at any university in the world.
- Archbishop Tutu wrote the “Foreword” to the 1998 book Exploring Forgiveness, a collection of forgiveness essays edited by IFI-founder Dr. Robert Enright and philosopher Joanna North. That Foreword is titled “Without Forgiveness There Is No Future.”
- In 2014, Dr. Enright announced to IFI website followers the Tutu Global Forgiveness Challenge–a free 30-day program developed by Archbishop Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu, designed to teach the world how to forgive. In that article, Dr. Enright said of Archbishop Tutu: “He has lived forgiveness. He has embodied it.”
- Read “Quotations on Forgiveness from Desmond Tutu.”
- Read “Desmond Tutu Wins 2013 Templeton Prize for Forgiveness Work.”
- Called the “Man of Forgiveness” by The New York Times, Archbishop Tutu is the author of several books including: No Future without Forgiveness and The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World.
- Read a biographical account of Archbishop Tutu’s life and global activities in The New York Times or watch a biographical video at CNN News. Archbishop Tutu is survived by his wife of 66 years, Leah, and their four children.
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About Roy Lloyd:
In addition to being the long-term President of the IFI Board of Directors, Roy Lloyd is an IFI founding director and contributing writer. He is a retired communications executive with graduate degrees in education, communications and theology. Before retiring to Springfield, MO, Dr. Lloyd was a regular commentator on all-news radio station 1010 WINS in New York City and he appeared with Desmond Tutu on Good Morning America, CNN, Religion and Ethics Newsweekly, Live with Regis and Kelly, and other programs. His high-profile career activities included his service as media officer for the Jesse Jackson trip to Belgrade in 1999 that gained the release of three American soldiers held by the Milošević regime. He has also served as executive producer of numerous network television programs and as producer and host of Public Television’s “Perspectives” series. He can be contacted at: roytlloyd@gmail.com
