Tagged: “Consequences of Forgiving”
Husband says he begged God to forgive his wife after she killed her four children and herself
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On February 19 of this year, Gina Vivinetto on the website Today (https://www.today.com/parents/tranyelle-harshman-murder-suicide-kids-rcna192839) reported on a tragic murder and suicide by a woman and her four children. The woman was suffering from both postpartum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The husband, Cliff Harshman, in an act of heroism, reported that he “begged God to forgive her” as Tranyelle was lying on her hospital bed. He said that he does not view her “as a monster” because she was both a loving wife and mother. He reflected on his wife’s struggles over the past five years, concluding that she was very troubled and was unable to overcome the psychological challenges.
Can Murderers Be Forgiven?
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I recently watched a podcast video in which a prominent world figure, currently involved in inter-country conflict, was asked about the possibility of forgiving the other nation’s leader. The world leader then asked this rhetorical question in response to the host: “Can murderers be forgiven?” It was obvious by his anger that the world leader was saying, “No.” He did not elaborate, which was the end of that particular part of the discussion.
It was apparent that the host saw the possibility of forgiveness between the two leaders as one path to peace. Yet, if the leader sees the other as a murderer, then it follows that he is shutting the door on this possibility.
The question by the host was a serious one that might open the door, even a little, to peace. Can murderers be forgiven? If we look at the history of forgiveness, we see that the answer is a definite “yes” because those who are “murderers” can be and have been forgiven by others in the past. Here are two examples:
Marietta Jaeger lost her daughter Suzy to a kidnapping and murder when her family was on vacation (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OFMx9kIems). At first, she said that she was so angry that she could have killed him and with a big smile on her face. Yet, as the weeks dragged on, she saw the stress and anger tearing her family apart. It was then that she decided to forgive the murderer, even though she had no idea who this was. She wished the person well and prayed for the person’s well-being. When the murderer called Marietta on the first anniversary of his kidnapping Suzy, Marietta expressed concern for him. Her kindness so took him aback that he stayed on the phone for over an hour, sufficient time for the law enforcement officials to trace the call, find, and arrest him.
The second example is by Eva Mozes Kor, who forgave “Dr.” Mengele for his abhorrent medical experiments on the twins of Auschwitz during World War II (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdgPAetNY5U). Because of such unethical practices by Mengele, Eva’s twin sister, Miriam, passed away prematurely from kidney failure. Despite some of Eva’s colleagues disapproving of her decision, she forgave Mengele and the Nazis “in my name only” as a way to be free of the resentment that could have been with her for the rest of her life.
In neither case did Marietta nor Eva abandon the quest for justice. Forgiveness and justice existed side-by-side. By this I mean that Marietta certainly would not want the one who murdered Suzy to be on the streets to take the lives of others. Eva was forgiving once she was free from concentration camp and the Nazis were utterly defeated.
Can murderers be forgiven? Yes, and they have. If the leader, who used this question as a rhetorical retort to the podcast host, is open to justice and forgiveness together in the future, as Marietta and Eva have shown is possible, might his fellow citizens and he be able to take a first step of peace in his region of the world? This is no rhetorical question, but one that might in the future save lives. I say this because negotiations with hatred in the heart are less likely to lead to satisfying and stable outcomes than when the heart is at peace and offers that peace to the other.
Forgiving Infidelity Is Not Easy
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In another recent post (December 17, 2024) on infidelity within a committed relationship, this time on chafai (https://chatfai.com/notes/she-forgave-him-18uvta), Hilary hahn (the last name is not capitalized in the post) goes back and forth on the theme of forgiveness. In her case, the emotional wounds still are very fresh because, in her words, “It’s been a few days since that incident…..” She courageously states that she is in stunned disbelief. Forgiving him “feels like an insurmountable task.” Near the end of the post, she is hoping that in the future she “will look back on this moment as a turning point, a moment where compassion triumphed over hatred, and love conquered all.” This is a very noble statement, given the freshness of her emotional wounds.
Forgiving Infidelity in a Marriage
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In an August 12, 2024, post on MentalHealth.com, Dana Vince reports on a married couple, Toby and Shannon, who overcame a year-long affair that Toby had with an ex-girlfriend from college. What helped was for each of them to see the weaknesses that each brought to that year. For Toby, he opened up about a conflicted family while growing up and being bullied in the past by peers. He brought a feeling of inadequacy into the marriage, and when Shannon began to work long hours, his feelings of inadequacy increased. Shannon, in their time of forgiveness, seeking forgiveness, and reconciliation, began to give more attention to the marriage so that Toby felt more of a sense of commitment on her part and on his. Their exploring weaknesses was not to find excuses for the affair but instead to better understand each other, aid each other in their weaknesses, and increase confidence in the marriage. It worked and they developed a qualitatively better marriage than prior to the challenging year.
Questioning the Ubiquitous Statement, “Forgiveness Is What You Do for Yourself, Not for the Other”
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In perusing the internet lately for news on forgiveness, I was faced at least occasionally with the statement in the title above. More than a few people post this idea that forgiveness is centered on the self and not no the one who behaved unjustly.
Let’s carefully examine this statement about forgiveness for the self and see how it goes.
If forgiveness is for ourselves and not for the one who behaved unjustly, then forgiveness is not one of the moral virtues along with justice, patience, compassion, and love if it is not “for other people.” So what is it? The “for ourselves” statement limits forgiveness to a self-help psychological strategy for emotional healing. It would seem that we are free to ignore, disregard, or show no concern for the people who have wronged us if they are not included in this healing equation. To forgive, then, could be to dismiss.
Such a perspective then takes away the paradox of forgiveness. The paradox is this: As we focus on the other person and strive for empathy, compassion, and a wider view of who this person is beyond the injustice, our own hearts begin to soften toward that other person. As the heart softens, the resentment, which is a nagging and persistent deep anger, begins to lessen. Over time, as we focus this goodness on the other it is we ourselves, as forgivers of the other, who begin to heal. Do you see the very large distinction between focusing on the other with a sense of goodness, which is the essence of forgiveness, and one important consequence of forgiving? The consequence, paradoxically, is that as we strive for goodness expressly toward the other person, it is we as forgivers who heal.
We must not confuse what forgiveness is with a consequence of what forgiveness accomplishes. Forgiveness is what we do in goodness toward the offending person. An important consequence of such a focus on the other is that we experience emotional healing.
