Tagged: “Couples”

How can parents help children to forgive their divorce when the parents say different things about why they divorced?

I think the key is for the parents first to realize that the children are now vulnerable because of the divorce and because of what led to the divorce.  With that in mind, the parents need to be careful in not letting their own anger at their former spouse lead to a competition for the children’s affection.  In other words, each spouse needs to be careful not to paint a very negative picture of the other to the children.  After all, both still are parents to the children and so the divorced adults need to preserve the personhood of the other spouse to the children.  This is not easy especially when deep resentment is present.  Therefore, it may be best if the spouses first forgive each other and then be aware that the children should not become victims of resentment by the parents disparaging the other spouse to the children.  When ready, the custodial parent might consider helping the children to forgive by first apologizing to the children for this family challenge of divorce.

I told my partner that I forgave him.  He did not accept it and told me he did nothing wrong.  This rejection has increased my pain.  I now have the pain from the original offense and now this.  How do you suggest I deal with this doubling of my pain?

Yes, his rejection of your gift of forgiveness is another pain for you.  If you think he is being unjust in this, you can deliberately forgive him for the original offense and then you can begin forgiving him for this second offense of denying any wrongdoing.  This double injustice does make the forgiveness journey harder, but it will be worth the effort if you are motivated to forgive both actions by your partner.

I think it is so important to foster forgiveness in families.  Children need to learn to forgive.  What advice can you give to parents for this?

Yes, I agree that it is of vital importance that this happen so that we can fortify children against the injustices that likely will occur when they are adults.  Knowing how to forgive can be a protection against the build-up of unhealthy anger.  Here is a link to one of my essays on the Psychology Today website that gives details on how a family can become a forgiving community:

Is Your Family a Forgiving Community?

What do I say to a partner who keeps pressuring me to forgive?  I am not a very virtuous person, he keeps telling me, if I will not forgive him.

A key question is this: Are you open to the possibility of forgiving in the future?  If so, then you can discuss with your partner that forgiving can take time.  You can clarify that your intention is to forgive, but you need a period of processing what happened, of dealing with your emotions (of sadness or anger, for example).  You should let him know that forgiveness is a choice which needs to emerge slowly for you in this case.  Even asking him for patience may reduce his pressure on you to forgive.

I have a problem with my partner.  He does not see that he has hurt me, despite my best efforts.  I now am wondering if reconciliation is even possible.  What I mean is that he keeps hurting me and doesn’t even see it.

This is a difficult situation because you now have a lack of trust that he can change.  I recommend that you first forgive him and from that softened-heart position, approach him at an opportune time and have this kind of a conversation with him: First, you could let him know that you suspect that he is practicing the psychological defense of denial, in that he possibly is afraid to see the truth of his hurtful actions.  Second, if he begins to see that he indeed is using the defense of denial, you then can let him know the extent of your hurt, for example, on a 1-to-10 scale with 10 being an enormous amount of hurt.  Third, if he sees this hurt and sees it as caused by his actions, the next step is to work with him on a plan to deliberately change the behavior that is causing the hurt.  Please keep in mind that even if all three strategies work, it still will take some time for you to build up trust because this tends to develop slowly after a pattern of injustices that cause hurt.  Your continuing to forgive may increase your patience with the trust process.