Tagged: “Couples”

How do I forgive my husband, daughter, and future son-in-law for treating me so horribly during this past year planning my daughter’s wedding and they didn’t want any of my suggestions?  They just wanted our $45,000 and basically decided now not to have any type of reception, just keep the money for a house and have no celebration with my family or my husband’s family. She’s our only daughter and my husband gave her all this money behind my back without consulting me. She will be married on Saturday in a civil ceremony with a gathering at the in-laws apartment.

I have some questions for you:

1) Would you be willing to commit to doing no harm to your husband, your daughter, and your new son-in-law even in the context of your having the opportunity to somehow hurt them?  If you answered, “Yes, I will commit to doing no harm,” then you are on the forgiveness journey.  This is a big step in the process;

2) Have you tried to see each of their weaknesses, their confusions, their wounds that may have wounded you?  If not, perhaps you need to do some of this cognitive work, to see them in a wider perspective than only their injuries toward you;

3)  Do you think that your will is strong enough to do the work outlined in #1 and 2 above?  If so, that work could lead to your forgiving if you give this time.

So, what do you think?  Have you found your way onto the path of forgiveness?  Let me know and I will do all that I can to help you onto the forgiveness path.

As one further resource which may be helpful to you, here is my latest blog at Psychology Today.  The theme centers on being betrayed by others:

Have You Been Betrayed? 5 Suggestions for You.

Is it possible to genuinely forgive without reconciliation?

Yes, people can genuinely forgive even if they are not able to reconcile with another because of the other’s continual hurtful behavior. When one forgives in this way, he or she commits to doing no harm to the other, works at reducing resentment, and strives to offer goodness. In the latter case that might mean, for example, giving a donation to charity in that person’s name, without interacting with the person because of the possibility of further injury.

For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?

What would you say to someone who refuses to reconcile with another after that other shows legitimate remorse, has apologized, and is very ready to reconcile?

The one who was hurt may have trust issues with the one who did the injuring. In other words, this could be the 25th incident of hurt. Try to discern how often the person has been hurt by the other. If there is a pattern, then it is understandable why the injured person is hesitant to reconcile.

In this kind of case, I recommend being aware of small steps, done by the injuring person, to truly change and be trustworthy. If the one who acted unfairly does not characteristically engage in hurtful actions, then perhaps there is a trust issue (in the one who refuses to forgive) that goes back a long way, even to childhood. Those who are mistreated by parents, for example, have difficulty establishing trust in their later relationships with others. If this is the case, then practicing forgiving of parents may help the person to more easily trust people in the present and move toward a healthy reconciliation.

For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.

Is there a difference between forgiving and wishing someone well?  I wish my ex-husband well, but I am still very angry with him because he broke the marriage covenant.

The late Lewis Smedes in his book, Forgive and Forget, made the point that people are starting to forgive when they wish the other person well.  Thus, you likely are at the beginning of forgiveness and this is a positive step.  Now you need to press onward toward deeper forgiveness.  Try to see your ex-husband’s worth; try to see his emotional wounds which might have contributed to the break-up; try to be aware of any compassion that may be growing in you as you do this work.  The result, based on our research, likely will be reduced anger.

For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.

Forgiving for me is a struggle, but I can accomplish it.  My issue is with reconciliation, which I am finding very awkward with one particular person.  Can reconciliation ever be truly accomplished after a brutal betrayal?

Congratulations on forgiving in the face of a “brutal betrayal.”  This is not at all easy to accomplish.  Regarding reconciliation, your struggle may be centered on the theme of trust. How trustworthy is the person whom you have forgiven?  If you are not able to establish trust, at least not yet, this may be the cause of your struggle.  Try to get a sense of whether or not the other is sorry for the injustice, uses words that suggest sincerity of repentance to you, and shows behavior that is consistent with the inner sorrow and words of repentance.

For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?