Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
What is the difference between forgiving and forgetting? Aren’t they basically the same as you “let go” after a person treats you unfairly?
Forgetting is not a moral virtue. You can forget or put an unfair incident behind you, without any effort extended toward the one who was unfair. When you forgive, you deliberately have mercy on this person. Forgiveness focuses mercifully on the other. When we forget, this is not always the case.
I feel uncomfortable saying that I have forgiven when the one who hurt me has not apologized. It seems incomplete. What do you think?
What is incomplete in this case is a genuine reconciliation with the person. Forgiveness, as a moral virtue, can be willingly practiced by anyone at any time, as is the case with any of the moral virtues. As an analogy, suppose you want to be fair to people, giving them what they deserve. Your boss is overly demanding and, in this intemperance, is unfair to you. You can still be fair to the boss, giving a fair day’s effort for a fair day’s wage, even when the other is not reciprocating the justice. It is the same with forgiveness. You can have mercy on those who acted unfairly, even if they refuse to cooperate with an apology.
How do I know when I truly want to start forgiveness?
A key issue is this: Have you explored what forgiveness is and is not? If you are confusing forgiveness with “just giving in,” or “moving on,” or automatically reconciling without trusting the person, then you may not be ready to start the forgiveness process. If you know what forgiveness is, are you motivated to forgive? As an analogy, how do you know when you are ready to start an exercise program? You first know the kinds of exercises that will benefit you, and you have the motivation to give them a try. I think it is similar with forgiveness.
Dr. Enright essay on the definition of forgiveness featured in UC-Berkeley publication
Dr. Robert Enright
On July 7, 2025, Robert Enright had an essay published within the Big Ideas section of the Greater Good Magazine of the University of California-Berkeley. The focus was on the definition of forgiveness. Click on this link to check out the article!
Can I forgive without empathizing with the one who hurt me? I am afraid to empathize because I do not want to get too emotionally close to that person.
If the other cannot be trusted, then your keeping your distance, both physically and emotionally, is reasonable. When you empathize with another person, you try to get a sense of that person’s inner world. You can do that and still conclude that the person is a danger to you (if this is true and not a stereotype) and so your knowledge of the person’s inner world is not an invitation to sympathize (feel sorry for the person to such an extent that you might forget the current dangers posed by the continuing unjust behavior). Seeing the other’s inner wounds does not mean automatic reconciliation.
