Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
You have said that once we forgive people, then we are ready for the next injustice and we might be able to go ahead a little better the second time. Isn’t that statement self-righteous? I say that because some people and some injustices are much harder to forgive than others. Why do you claim that we just get better and better in our forgiving?
Aristotle made the wise point that as we practice any of the moral virtues, this practice helps us get better in how we appropriate the virtues. He never implied, nor do I, that the next incident will lead to quicker forgiveness than the first one and the person easier to forgive just because of the practice. Instead, Aristotle implied this: We will be more familiar with the process of practicing the virtue and so we may be more efficient and accurate in our next attempt. Yes, you are correct, in that the next person who hurts us might do so in a very grave way, making it hard to forgive. Yet, if we bring a lot of experience to this new person and situation, we may get through it more deeply and more quickly than otherwise might have been the case.
To get very concrete about this, suppose that to forgive Person A, you ideally needed two weeks. To forgive Person B, without your having any prior practice in forgiving, you would need six months to forgive because the incident was so unjust. Yet, if you have a lot of practice in forgiving, then your forgiving Person B now might take only three months rather than six. Yes, this is still much longer than what was needed to forgive Person A, but the time needed for this with Person B is shortened precisely because the former practice is aiding your forgiving Person B now.
Dr. Viktor Frankl says that we can find meaning in our suffering. I think that is really insensitive to those who are oppressed. It is insensitive to say to the oppressed: “Oh, you are a victim of racism. Rise above it by finding meaning.” What do you think?
Dr. Frankl never meant to imply that we should seek to be oppressed (or ignore the oppression) so that we can find meaning in our suffering. You seem to be dichotomizing finding meaning and seeking justice, as if we can do only one or the other. We must remember that Dr. Frankl was in concentration camps during World War II. He certainly did not imply that this was good for him so that he could find meaning in his suffering. Instead, we need to right the wrongs of injustice by practicing the moral virtue of justice and, as the same time, find meaning in our suffering. These two (seeking justice and finding meaning in suffering) are teammates, not opponents.
Editor’s Note: Viktor Emil Frankl was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, author, and Holocaust survivor. He was the founder of logotherapy, a school of psychotherapy which describes a search for a life meaning as the central human motivational force. Dr. Frankl published 39 books including his best-selling autobiographical Man’s Search for Meaning, based on his experiences in various Nazi concentration camps.
You say that suffering makes us stronger. I say, when it comes to children, that what they need is to be safe from abuse, not to become stronger. What do you think?
I do not imply that we should seek suffering for the purpose of becoming stronger. Instead, my point is this: When we are treated unjustly and as we suffer, we often mature as persons. For example, we become more sensitive to the suffering in others. Now here is the important distinction between what I just said and what I think you are saying: Even adults, when they are abused and suffer, need to find a place of safety. To become strong does not negate the necessity of doing all one can to be safe. So, both adults and children need to be kept safe as they suffer. Both, also, may grow stronger as they suffer. To be safe and to grow stronger can occur together.
If I go through the forgiveness process one time only, do you think my anger could diminish so much that I will not have to repeat the forgiveness process?
There are no definitive psychological rules about this. If you take the time to deeply go through the forgiveness process once, then you may experience a return to a manageable level of anger without having to go through the forgiveness process again. Please keep in mind that anger in smaller doses can remain in a person’s heart after that person forgives. So, please do not expect perfection with regard to the emotion of anger. As long as you are in control of the anger, rather than the anger controlling you, this is a very positive accomplishment.
I have been doing the work of forgiveness. Now I want to quit. Is this normal?
The process of forgiveness is not a straight line from beginning to end. Instead, there are times of fatigue and needing a break. There are times of needing to go back near the beginning of the process as you find yourself getting angry again with the person. Therefore, your current feelings are not atypical. Instead of the word “quit,” what do you think about the idea of taking a rest, taking a break for a while? This kind of thought may keep the forgiveness door open for you once you take the time to rest and refresh.
