Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”

If we all use psychological defenses such as denial and repression, how do we ever come to realize who hurt us when that hurt occurred many years ago when we were children?

As people see that they are carrying deep hurt at present, this can be a motivation for examining who did the hurting in their lives.  One exercise that I recommend in the book, The Forgiving Life, is what I call the Forgiveness Landscape.  In this exercise, people slowly start to make a list of those who have actually hurt them, starting from early childhood and progressing up to the present time.  As people do this exercise, they can begin to see areas of hurt that are long forgotten (but still subconsciously can be affecting a person’s well-being at present).  For example, as people reflect on their past life, they might recall being bullied at age 11.  This then breaks the repression that might have been present with regard to the bullying.  This breaking of the psychological defenses can occur particularly when a person knows that forgiveness is an effective response to the past injustices and to the current hurts still present from those past offenses.

Does one need humility in order to forgive well?

As we forgive, we begin to see the inherent worth in both the one who acted unjustly and in ourselves.  Yes, I do think it requires humility to not feel superior toward the other person who acted badly.  Humility shows us that we are not better or worse than others. To see both of you as human, both in need of respect and love, requires the moral virtue of humility.  These two viruses, humility and forgiveness,  constitute an important team.

Can you think of a situation in which forgiveness would definitely not be appropriate at all?

Let us first make a distinction between forgiveness itself and people who forgive.  Some people will not forgive others for certain horrendous situations.  This is their choice and they should not be criticized for their decision.  In contrast, forgiveness itself, as a moral virtue, is always appropriate (for those who choose it) because it centers on goodness and goodness itself is always appropriate.  Here is an essay on wrote on this subject at the Psychology Today website:

Is Forgiving Another Person Always Appropriate?

If I still have anger toward someone who was really bad to me, does this mean I have not forgiven?

If you have reduced your anger as you have forgiven and if you now are in control of your anger (rather than your anger controlling you), then yes, I would say that you have forgiven or at least are well along the pathway of forgiveness.  Sometimes not all anger is eliminated, especially when we are treated very badly by others.  If you feel anger welling up in you again, then please revisit the forgiveness process toward this person.

I am having a very hard time forgiving my husband and now I am beginning to wonder if I am struggling with this because too often my husband’s behavior reminds me of my father’s imperfections toward me.  Do you think this is possible, that I am blocked from forgiving my husband because of my past history with my father?

I think this is a very insightful point.  It definitely can be the case that people have difficulty forgiving a partner because of similarities between the partner and the forgiver’s parent.  I suggest that you first forgive your father for what you are calling his “imperfections” toward you.  Once you have walked the pathway of forgiveness with your father, your forgiving your husband then may be deep and therefore more effective.  The fact that you see this connection between father and husband is important and I think this will help you.